help

I feel like I am losing touch of reality -whatever the hell that is- somehow- like I'm "living" two parallel lives.

I told DH last night that I wasn't coping. He was relieved I was telling him. He asked what he could do to help- and the only thing I could think of to say was "drown me". I know- what an awful, selfish thing to say. I guess I just feel like I'm drowning. He suggested what I talk about in this next paragraph...

Confession.
I have a huge fear of going to " see" someone. You know- someone (whispers- counsellor) like that means I am really actually losing my marbles. What if they throw me in the loony bin? Surely I can cope with this without that kind of "help". It just seems to have negative connotations for me for some reason.

I am hanging out to have another baby- not to replace what I've lost-that's impossible.
But at the same time it terrifies me, I'm scared it won't work again, scared that if I lose another baby I'll truly end up in the nut house. 3's enough right? too many more like it.

Told DH we need private cover-don't know how we can afford that- it's going to have to be miraculous that we can!!- I can;t do another pregnancy without it. First time perfect pregnancy and perfect ALIVE baby- not so naive anymore. Annoying as hell that is.

ha- can you tell I'm angry?- bad words are threatening to over take my writing.
I thought it was supposed to ge easier, not harder.

Honest Scrap Award

Christy from A Piece of the Pearsons and
Steph from The New normal

have both nominated me for the "Honest Scrap Award"- for which I am truly humbled and honoured! Really! That people can understand AND appreciate my thoughts is amazing!! Thanks girls :-) I have gained so much from reading their blogs and many others out there- what a blessing it is to have such amazing support. Thanks for every person that comments- it's special having so many care so much

This award is for bloggers who write honestly from their heart, from the depth of their soul. There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers:

Fiona at : Remembering Bailey
Sally at : Tuesday's Hope
mb at: 3 Pairs of Feet
Catherine at: Between the Snow and The Huge Roses
Barbara at: Letters to my lost son
Danielle at : Letting Go and Letting God
Laura at: Moments of Pause

Ten honest things about me . . .

1. I love to scrap...but rarely seem find the time these days :-( my son is now 2 and I haven't finished his "1st year album"! It did take me a few years to do my wedding album... *sigh*

2. I am chasing after one dream of having my own business doing something I love....making handcrafted invitations/thankyou cards/birth announcements/ memorial momento's..etc etc

3. I am a trained primary school teacher and have loved teaching at my local christian school but have lots of other passions too

4. I am trying to lose massive amounts of weight- again :-((( sucks putting on weight for a baby or in our case babieS and not getting the babies to keep.

5. I have a serious addiction to hot chips- ok alright-particularly HOT chips but it is a favourite vegetable so anything "potatoey" is a hit! Why does my body not suit carbs so well???

6. I adore my husband and son !

7. Love to bake but due to point 4- don't get to that often- otherwise I just eat it !!

8. Love watching movies all rugged up on wintery days

9. I love hanging out with friends and doing crafty pursuits

10. I desperately wanted my son to be a big brother by his second birthday- and have them around to love.

boring list me thinks. Time restraints??! or I'm just boring...I think the latter!! haha

Am I making progress??

No idea. Am I??

I really feel weary. I wish there was a "switch off grief" button somewhere....and therein lies the problem. I KNOW it's now a part of my life forever ( don't get me wrong- I NEVER want to forget my boys) BUUUUUT....I really am struggling making all this my new kind of normal.

A very dear friend asked me how I was healing? And I LOVE that she asked...many haven't.
But I had no idea how to answer her really. Like I told my friend, I'm a bit all over the place.
The hardest thing to deal with lately seems to be that it's affecting ME- who I am- was- whatever.
I have lost interest in things I was previously passionate about. I doubt my abilties in everything like never before. I feel insecure like I haven't for a long time.

It just feels a bit like something is wrong with me- like I'm "melting" (hehehe- love that wizard of oz line)...like I'm losing who I was.

And maybe I'm just being melodramatic??
maybe I just need to get over myself?? ha. No idea.

ideas anyone?
Diagnosis insane??!

maybe it's a bit of a panic because so many more keep popping up with their wonderful news ( and it is so different when it's a baby lost mumma- really it is) but it feels like others are jumping the queue-pushing in....don't they realise it should be my turn- have they forgotten so soon those tiny people I brought into the world?

I guess life just sucks.
sometimes.
at the moment.

The Secret Garden Meeting -August

If you created a bedroom for your baby (babies) tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your babies?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your babies' room now?
If you are trying to conceive again or are pregnant again, how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

Our boys would have had their own special room. Not that it was completely prepared- I was a bit anxious about doing too much after losing our first baby the November before. That was like what Carly said about Christian- it was a blessing in a way; not being completely prepared. That being said , because the twins were not our "firsts", we had the basics all ready to be transferred from Caleb's room to the nursery when we needed. We had a few things in the room "ready"- like the extra bouncer we needed with having multiple babies!- and the bath seat to help manage bathing two cherubs at once, caleb's old playpen and his baby clothes, blankets and all that jazz.

Those things are still sitting there. I can't take them out. I need to believe that we will get another chance at bringing home a real live baby. I know our boys wouldn't mind sharing their room at all- even though it will always be their room- the big room - the room we always knew would have children sharing- we just didn't expect God would bless us with 2 at once!!! It was meant for them- and that hurts like nothing else- I almost wish I'd put their name signs up on the door like I had for Caleb- so people could never forget the babes that were supposed to be filling that room . I was sooo looking forward to watching them grow up in that room together- I had designed in my head how we could make it look for them as they grew up.....

Their cupboards are another story altogether. Still full and overflowing with all the clothes bought and handed down for them. :-(
I found some really well cared for-still new looking clothes at a garage sale before we found out the boys were sick- and it was kinda the first and only time I "let myself go" buying stuff for them. This lady had so many clothes - lots of matching and similar outfits that would have been just PERFECT for twin boys. So ridiculously cute. I can't look at them. It just makes me feel mad and hurt and lost. I think I would like to keep some of them as reminders of Matthew and Joshua when I can face going through them. They all feel sacred but it wouldn't be particularly practical to keep them all. Not that we have any idea what the future holds for us child wise....(please God- no more twins. too hard. don't go there...)

I hadn't made up a cot- as we still had Caleb sleeping in it and we were going to wait until the twins were bigger before we bought another cot, I hadn't put new curtains on the windows- just couldn't afford it and it became a low priority compared to surviving and getting through those tough weeks when we realised how fragile our boys were. I couldn't go into their room for a long time but then we we eventually transitioned Caleb from cot to "big boy bed" there was no room for his change table so we put that in the boys' room. That helped me to adjust to using it again. Although once Caleb got into the cupboards and pulled out some of his baby shoes- and I was horrified- I so very nearly raved at him ( it was just a knee jerk reaction to someone touching my boys special things I wanted to give them) but knew he would have no clue as to what he'd done and didn't deserve mummy mad at him for just playing with some shoes. Poor love. What a crazy mummy.

I really identified with Sally when she said; " ...and like a complete idiot. I felt like the Universe was laughing at me. Why would I be so smug to assume my baby was coming home with us?"

uh-huh.
I hear ya.

I felt silly having the extra bouncer, the extra everythings- all those gorgeous clothes-matching wellingtons even. I felt like a fool. I even felt like that after we found out the boys had gone to heaven- I had this huge belly- but my babies were dead. It was horrific walking around- feeling like a total fraud waiting for my crappy hospital appointment to deliver my babies- but not get to feed them or take them home all snug as a bug.

Sorry Sally- but I'm going to quote you again-!!...

"I figure I can't really jinx myself. I'm just being silly. Whether I buy clothes or not, or continue to decorate the room or not has no bearing on whether this boy will actually come home with us."
-TRUE. hmmm.
I have to get over this paranoia of not doing anything next time- if there is a next time- because I know ultimately it isn't going to mean I don't get to take home a baby just because I bought some clothes or baby gear. My heart may tell me differently...I would want them to know how loved and wanted they were regardless (which obviously isn't the only way to demonstrate that). I know we all cope differently and this is just where I'm at- I don't expect everyone to feel the same.

I am so thankful I DO have a healthy, happy and thriving 2 year old. I do count my blessings...but I'm hoping and praying God will give us another chance to parent another child. To have a child in THAT room. Fill that empty room Jesus please. I hate it empty. It is a hollow, (pracitcally) empty room- that YES- should have my boys in- but was made to hold little monkeys or little princesses. Matthew and Joshua- even though they never got the chance to enter that room- will always be there in spirit for me. Love you two.xx

I'm proud of you my darlings! Can you hear me??!

I know- it might sound a little odd that I'm proud of my boys that are not on this Earth with me...but I am.

I'm so proud of my littlest little man, Matthew- for growing so much in those last few weeks and bringing us all so much joy by fighting hard. I am so, so proud of you- my precious boy.
I am so proud of Joshua - for looking after Matthew and letting him catch up to him a bit more.
I am so proud of them both for surviving the laser procedure we all went through and for giving us those extra weeks with them.
I am so stoked that my little guy lead the way for his brother when they were born- and came first- and the right way- what a trooper hey?!

I can only imagine what gorgeous boys you are- but I know you must be that extra bit special to get to go straight to heaven. I know I don't need to tell you to be a 'good boy' like I do your brother Caleb because I know you are in the place of ultimate good.

I am just missing you so much. I'm so sorry I didn't hug you more when I had the chance. I have just looked at the pictures our friend Carly took of your names in the sand- and I think Daddy would love them as his Father's Day present, what do you think? Daddy bought me 3 frames for mother's day- one for you Matthew, one for you Joshua and one for Caleb....they were meant to have pics of you both in to match the one we already have up of Caleb.

I am sure you're having a ball with all your other friends and our family up there...know we love you and miss you still.
xx

I choose JOY!

What am I on about?!

What a journey it has been so far- and by no means am I suggesting it's over, but I've made some important decisions. Up until recent days I was completely in fear of a subsequent pregnancy, not because I didn't want another baby, but because I'd lost faith that it actually can work.

Losing our first baby was hard. We didn't even get to find out who they were or give them a name. However I was desperate to try again fairly quickly. I fell pregnant the next month with our twin boys. I thought- wow- this is it for us- 3 boys- oh my!! Boy were we excited too! I had ever so boldly told God once- only 2- I only want 2, I can't do this whole baby stage too many more times. For silly reasons like...lack of sleep. That was a shock to me first time round.
I know- silly, silly, ungrateful woman... please don't be angry with me...I took everything so much for granted the first time and will not make that mistake ever again.

When we lost our boys, I told my husband- that's it. no more. I can't do this again- I just can't. never.

I was horrified and devastated that now two pregnancies in a row were not successful. In the sense that we left hospital both time with empty arms, no babies.
Please forgive me if you are reading this and have experienced much more suffering- it is not my intention to hurt you or take anything away from your situation.

I miss my boys so terribly and I will never fully understand why they got called 'home' so, so early in their little lives. But- I accept that. The fact that I will never fully understand. I am looking forward to seeing them in heaven one day- like you wouldn't believe.

Connecting with other ladies through the Secret Garden and their own personal blogs- has been a great encouragement to me. I have truly learnt so much from these wonderful and inspirational women. Something I have been trying to "work out" is how to approach a subsquent pregnancy. I am the kinda girl who needs to know all the details, I'm a planner, and organiser and I like to know what I "NEED" to do. After we lost our first baby and when we found out about the twins- I admit- I held off. Now don't get me wrong- I was deliriously excited (that's nervous but exceptionally happy....if you've ever been told you're having twins- you will understand!!)- but I waited weeks before I allowed myself to really prepare for them. You know- all that fun stuff, like collecting extra prams and cots and clothes and setting up their room. Once I started I was sure- that was it- I would be bringing twins home to this house.

Then we got to 20 wks and got ushered into "that room" where they broke the news of what was wrong with our little guys.

But still I had faith. our God was bigger than all this, right?

Right. He was. We got miracles- they survived the laser ablation surgery. They were active and growing. We were praising God all over the place.

We were up and down to Perth every week- faithful in getting scans done to see how they were doing. Then one week...they had stopped. Unexpectedly. They had stopped to rest in the Father's arms. Their little hearts were no longer beating. I looked at the screen, calmly asked my Dr to tell me if what I saw was true. She could hardly talk. But true it was.

They were gone. Was God still bigger than all of this?

We were clinging to that cross.

But yes he was.

Then came the emotional mind games. Would I ever trust my God to do this all again?
I didn't think I could for many, many days. Now I am on the road to trusting God with all this again. And the joy part comes in there. When-if -God blesses us with another baby or 2...or 3??!!- I choose to celebrate EACH day, to love that baby EACH moment of EVERY day. I will prepare a place for them , I will anticipate their arrival and I will thank God for every moment I have with them. Because as much as it'd be "easier" to hide and pretend it's not real- and not prepare and not be excited- that's not who I am. I can't do that to my child. I CHOOSE JOY!
It will be a difficult journey- of that I'm sure- but I will surround myself with praying friends and family and step forward one day at a time.

The Secret Garden Meeting Questions

How do you see or imagine your babies now that they are not here with you?

I see Matthew and Joshua in heaven, looking down at us with such beautiful smiles. I have not yet got to the place where I can dream about them- it's still a bit raw- and I just want them here in reality. I hope I can get to that place where I can dream about my sweethearts without feeling traumatised. Because of what I believe, I know they are in a place that is so much better than what I have experienced yet- and that makes me happy- happy that they are not ever going to suffer. That is something isn't it?! I still can't believe my twin boys are gone...I miss them so but trust in God's bigger plan, most of the time. I do 'see' them as gorgeous little cherubs, with curly locks like their big brother and divine smiles...I just wish I could kiss their chubby cheeks and play with them.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

At this stage, pregnancy feels like a giant big myth for me. Did I imagine a problem free pregnancy with my first son?! Is it ever going to be a positive experience for me again? I hope it's not 9 mths of "hell" but at this stage I don't know if I believe it's going to be real for us again. It frightens me beyond belief. I desperately hope we can have more babies but only time will tell I guess. My only hope- is that if and when it happens, it's not twins again- my heart could not take it.