Monday, August 10, 2009

I choose JOY!

What am I on about?!

What a journey it has been so far- and by no means am I suggesting it's over, but I've made some important decisions. Up until recent days I was completely in fear of a subsequent pregnancy, not because I didn't want another baby, but because I'd lost faith that it actually can work.

Losing our first baby was hard. We didn't even get to find out who they were or give them a name. However I was desperate to try again fairly quickly. I fell pregnant the next month with our twin boys. I thought- wow- this is it for us- 3 boys- oh my!! Boy were we excited too! I had ever so boldly told God once- only 2- I only want 2, I can't do this whole baby stage too many more times. For silly reasons like...lack of sleep. That was a shock to me first time round.
I know- silly, silly, ungrateful woman... please don't be angry with me...I took everything so much for granted the first time and will not make that mistake ever again.

When we lost our boys, I told my husband- that's it. no more. I can't do this again- I just can't. never.

I was horrified and devastated that now two pregnancies in a row were not successful. In the sense that we left hospital both time with empty arms, no babies.
Please forgive me if you are reading this and have experienced much more suffering- it is not my intention to hurt you or take anything away from your situation.

I miss my boys so terribly and I will never fully understand why they got called 'home' so, so early in their little lives. But- I accept that. The fact that I will never fully understand. I am looking forward to seeing them in heaven one day- like you wouldn't believe.

Connecting with other ladies through the Secret Garden and their own personal blogs- has been a great encouragement to me. I have truly learnt so much from these wonderful and inspirational women. Something I have been trying to "work out" is how to approach a subsquent pregnancy. I am the kinda girl who needs to know all the details, I'm a planner, and organiser and I like to know what I "NEED" to do. After we lost our first baby and when we found out about the twins- I admit- I held off. Now don't get me wrong- I was deliriously excited (that's nervous but exceptionally happy....if you've ever been told you're having twins- you will understand!!)- but I waited weeks before I allowed myself to really prepare for them. You know- all that fun stuff, like collecting extra prams and cots and clothes and setting up their room. Once I started I was sure- that was it- I would be bringing twins home to this house.

Then we got to 20 wks and got ushered into "that room" where they broke the news of what was wrong with our little guys.

But still I had faith. our God was bigger than all this, right?

Right. He was. We got miracles- they survived the laser ablation surgery. They were active and growing. We were praising God all over the place.

We were up and down to Perth every week- faithful in getting scans done to see how they were doing. Then one week...they had stopped. Unexpectedly. They had stopped to rest in the Father's arms. Their little hearts were no longer beating. I looked at the screen, calmly asked my Dr to tell me if what I saw was true. She could hardly talk. But true it was.

They were gone. Was God still bigger than all of this?

We were clinging to that cross.

But yes he was.

Then came the emotional mind games. Would I ever trust my God to do this all again?
I didn't think I could for many, many days. Now I am on the road to trusting God with all this again. And the joy part comes in there. When-if -God blesses us with another baby or 2...or 3??!!- I choose to celebrate EACH day, to love that baby EACH moment of EVERY day. I will prepare a place for them , I will anticipate their arrival and I will thank God for every moment I have with them. Because as much as it'd be "easier" to hide and pretend it's not real- and not prepare and not be excited- that's not who I am. I can't do that to my child. I CHOOSE JOY!
It will be a difficult journey- of that I'm sure- but I will surround myself with praying friends and family and step forward one day at a time.


Mell Mallin said...

Indeed! You are brave to choose joy special friend! It's the only way to get through!

Kisses and misses!

Faulconbridge Mallins said...

Your courage inspires me more than you will ever know.


Laura said...

It will be a difficult journey- there is no doubt about that- and you will find your way as you have down this road which has already taken you down a path you probably never dreamt of vengering!
I too feel sick now about early on when I learned I was carrying twins saying to God, "But how does one fall in love with two babies at once- I always dreamed of gazing into one babies eyes (at a time) not having to take turns and switch between too- it took me a long time to realize that God had a plan even before I thought those words to bring Andrew home before I could gaze into his eyes.
Pregnancy after loss is scary- and I've done it a few times now. You need to find what is comfortable to you and I enjoyed reading all the garden posts too- I still (pregnant now) do literally nothing- the pain of having to put things away still as fresh as it was when I went through it 5 years ago. My prep for baby's arrival- is lots of prayer and knowing that whatever the outcome- I am NEVER alone- and in the end this is a baby I too will one day meet- either in this lifetime of the next.
Peace to you!

Franchesca Cox said...

I am so encouraged by your outlook! It truly takes a lot of courage and strength to overlook the high mountains of hopelessness. I am SO encouraged. I really needed this today.

Tina said...

It sounds like you are in a really good place right now. I am glad you have made the choice to choose joy, you have a great outlook and I hope and pray you will be blessed with a wonderful experience. (And I totally know what you mean by deleriously excited with twins!!)

Pearson house of 6 said...

I'm happy for you, you are in a good place. I think you would have to have some sort of blind faith to go at it again....I know I would...and hopefully will some day. Peace to you and your thoughts.....

Heather said...

I am inspired by your positivity! After a difficult weekend, I am going to look at this day with positive eyes. Thanks for the notion!

Fiona said...

Hi Sarah,

What a wonderful outlook. I'm trying to be positive and happy, too.

I didn't advise most people of my pregnancy until I was 4 months pregnant, so I was then only pregnant for a month before I lost Bailey. I didn't give the people that are close to me a chance to be happy for me and share in my joy of having another baby. I really regret this, and will share my news a lot earlier next time.

It's getting easier for me to spend time with pregnant friends now, and I'm now looking forward to being pregnant again.


Sarah said...

Mell- thanks beautiful.Looong journey- thanks for being there for the ride!!xx

Sharon- I fought tears as I read your comment and I think that's because it was sooo encouraging to know that through all my blah blahing- God can still use me even when I feel like I'm "un-usable" xx

I want to reply to the rest of you beautiful girls- but my eyes are fighting sleep- So I'll get there tomorrow :-)

Sarah said...

Laura- my silly worry was " How do I feed two babies-at once?!"...I'd give anything to have the chance to try now :-(
You have to do what feels ok for you when pregnant -I can totally understand the doing nothing. I am terrified of it backfiring (preparing) but think I need to give it another shot at being super positive!?!! :-) I will be coveting prayers the MINUTE I fall pregnant again (God willing)! Am thinking of you and praying for your 'water babe'. xx

Sarah said...

Franchesca- I am so thrilled you were so encouraged by my post! so glad!

Tina- I guess I am- it's a steep and bumpy learning curve, this road we're travelling but things seem ok for now!thankyou for wishing and praying for a wonderful 'next time':-)) xx

Oh Christy- I hope and pray for you that you get to that place where you can have 'another go'. I am getting there- but this was an important step in the right direction for me. Thinking of you lovely xx

Heather- hehe- I'm glad it was contagious and you got the notion too :-)) Sorry you had a difficult weekend- you're in my thoughts. xx

Hi Fiona :-)
:-) you make me smile.
I was so greatful our friends and family did have a few mths of "knowing our boys"- there were so many looking forward to their arrival- which in turn meant we didn't grieve alone. The support we had was amazing. I think I'd share early, early next time- just because I'm so aware of how precious each day is...AND I would so need the prayer support!
I'm now looking forward to being pregnant again too Fi...maybe God will let us journey through that together?! :-)
The pregnant friends thing has been a point of MAJOR anger/hurt on my part until recently...not that it's all roses but it IS getting easier- I held my first newborn last week!
sending hugs xx