What am I on about?!
What a journey it has been so far- and by no means am I suggesting it's over, but I've made some important decisions. Up until recent days I was completely in fear of a subsequent pregnancy, not because I didn't want another baby, but because I'd lost faith that it actually can work.
Losing our first baby was hard. We didn't even get to find out who they were or give them a name. However I was desperate to try again fairly quickly. I fell pregnant the next month with our twin boys. I thought- wow- this is it for us- 3 boys- oh my!! Boy were we excited too! I had ever so boldly told God once- only 2- I only want 2, I can't do this whole baby stage too many more times. For silly reasons like...lack of sleep. That was a shock to me first time round.
I know- silly, silly, ungrateful woman... please don't be angry with me...I took everything so much for granted the first time and will not make that mistake ever again.
When we lost our boys, I told my husband- that's it. no more. I can't do this again- I just can't. never.
I was horrified and devastated that now two pregnancies in a row were not successful. In the sense that we left hospital both time with empty arms, no babies.
Please forgive me if you are reading this and have experienced much more suffering- it is not my intention to hurt you or take anything away from your situation.
I miss my boys so terribly and I will never fully understand why they got called 'home' so, so early in their little lives. But- I accept that. The fact that I will never fully understand. I am looking forward to seeing them in heaven one day- like you wouldn't believe.
Connecting with other ladies through the Secret Garden and their own personal blogs- has been a great encouragement to me. I have truly learnt so much from these wonderful and inspirational women. Something I have been trying to "work out" is how to approach a subsquent pregnancy. I am the kinda girl who needs to know all the details, I'm a planner, and organiser and I like to know what I "NEED" to do. After we lost our first baby and when we found out about the twins- I admit- I held off. Now don't get me wrong- I was deliriously excited (that's nervous but exceptionally happy....if you've ever been told you're having twins- you will understand!!)- but I waited weeks before I allowed myself to really prepare for them. You know- all that fun stuff, like collecting extra prams and cots and clothes and setting up their room. Once I started I was sure- that was it- I would be bringing twins home to this house.
Then we got to 20 wks and got ushered into "that room" where they broke the news of what was wrong with our little guys.
But still I had faith. our God was bigger than all this, right?
Right. He was. We got miracles- they survived the laser ablation surgery. They were active and growing. We were praising God all over the place.
We were up and down to Perth every week- faithful in getting scans done to see how they were doing. Then one week...they had stopped. Unexpectedly. They had stopped to rest in the Father's arms. Their little hearts were no longer beating. I looked at the screen, calmly asked my Dr to tell me if what I saw was true. She could hardly talk. But true it was.
They were gone. Was God still bigger than all of this?
We were clinging to that cross.
But yes he was.
Then came the emotional mind games. Would I ever trust my God to do this all again?
I didn't think I could for many, many days. Now I am on the road to trusting God with all this again. And the joy part comes in there. When-if -God blesses us with another baby or 2...or 3??!!- I choose to celebrate EACH day, to love that baby EACH moment of EVERY day. I will prepare a place for them , I will anticipate their arrival and I will thank God for every moment I have with them. Because as much as it'd be "easier" to hide and pretend it's not real- and not prepare and not be excited- that's not who I am. I can't do that to my child. I CHOOSE JOY!
It will be a difficult journey- of that I'm sure- but I will surround myself with praying friends and family and step forward one day at a time.
Monday, August 10, 2009
What am I on about?!