Sunday, January 3, 2010

Seasons of life....Bring The Rain Lord- I'm ready for a new one!


Well. I wasn't that impressed with 2009. Many weren't. Some were but I'll get to that in a minute.
I really started to wonder if I would hear the trumpets in heaven going off...things were going to pieces EVERYWHERE.

Right up until the final days of December there was heartache and loss for people in my wider circle of acquaintances. I had prior to that allowed my faith to blossom ever so slightly and belive that good things do happen too and then to hear the news of 3 more precious babes taken to heaven was almost too much to bare. I was fairly peeved with God to say the least.
In the part of me that knows and accepts (somewhat) reality- I realise things like this-and worse, happen more frequently than I ever realised before my innocence was snatched away. But I would never wish my eperiences of losing 3 of my precious and much wanted children on my worst enemies-not that I really have those- but you know what I mean! I mean- surely I had suffered enough for everyone??

Two beautiful baby girls went to be with Jesus on the 13th of December, 2009. They were born on the 12th of December, 2009. And I am guttered for that couple. Their families. Their friends. Because I know the road that they are now travelling...and it is hard. Their close friends- my husband's extended family...suffered the loss of twins TWICE last year.

Then I heard that a special lady I met through my old school suffered an agonising loss. The loss of her much prayed for and wanted first son. 38 wks. Her precious son was born sleeping on the 28th of November, 2009.

I am asking a lot of hard questions- I know many of you would have asked many of the same ones at some point in time on your own journey, so I won't be tedious and relay all of my frustrations. I just want a break- and not just for me- but for SO MANY I know. I want the special niece of good friends to be free of cancer this year....I want Jason's aunt to not be dying of cancer, I want my friends who are expecting to have healthy babies, I want my own healthy, ALIVE baby this year, I wish my boys had of been here for their first christmas, I wish I knew them more- I ache to know them- really KNOW them - like I know my precious first born son.
I want this year to be free of stillbirth and miscarriage- even though I know it won't be. I just want it all to stop being so crap and to have more joy than sorrow in 2010.

And yet for some- 2009 was a year of hope. Of blessings and promises fulfilled. New lives brought to pass and families created and multiplied. I think of precious Ocea born to Carly and Sam just before christmas....what wonderful news- what a massive relief to hear of a baby making it safely into this world. The news of her arrival was of such joy to me- such hope. I think of my lovely friend, Laura, who welcomed her beautiful baby boy, Sean into this world , Of Sally and her precious Angus.

These babes and their wonderful mumma's.... are the hope I am clinging onto for 2010. I will not give up. I have to believe this will come again for us.

I am not setting new years resolutions-pffft. Who really follows those through anyway??
I do aim to maintain things I achieved in these last 6 mths. Like losing a disgusting amount of weight. Soooo embarrassed it was all there to lose. But 20 odd kg later- I feel somewhat like "me" again. I have a whole new/old wardrobe....very exciting! I have stacks more energy and have been motivated through it all by my precious, brave little guys- Matthew and Joshua- to grab my life back. I did it boys!!! I got to my goal weight- I chased after a dream- that-lets face it, probably would never have happened had you been here occupying my time. (which obviously I would trade in a heatbeat to have you both here....not even a heatbeat...) . I have rediscovered my drive and ambition and have learnt a lot this year. Being the perfectionist I am, there is a lot I wish I had of done still, and/or done better- my study is still not "business ready"...but hubby is working on the re-design.....and a lot more ....but things ARE happening and that's always exciting.

As I look back on 2009- I am thankful for new friendships made, for old ones deepened, for our amazing families who have loved and cherished us so beautifully these past months and have hurt right alongside us. I am thankful for those that have encouraged me on this journey and for those that continue to walk with me into this new and yet unknown year.

I pray it's a blessed one for you all....