Secret Garden Meeting- October

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

Firstly I will admit, I avoided this meeting last month. It was an "angry" and a "disheartened" phase and I just wasn't "in the mood" (haha-oh how liberally we use that phrase!!).
I feel like the waters of this journey have been particularly choppy again.

More accurately- things have built up and exploded in spectacular fashion , built up again and settled (currently I am in a dormant stage of activity but be warned....I could errupt at any moment, with little notice).

I am sorry if I don't follow any particular flow here- but since waiting to write just the "right thing" and in the "right way" has stopped me recently- I am just boldly going forth with my dribble and hoping it comes out reasonably!!

Back to the Volcano analogy.

We had a funeral a mth?? or so back. I had not anticipated it would send me as troppo as I think it did. Although, I was a bit of a "snappy tom" leading up to the event (which should have given me some warning I was in a bit of a meltdown). For the person who passed on from this Earth- it was no doubt a blessing, being freed from her many ailments and issues but it brought a whole lot up to the surface for me and indeed it was not "well with my soul" (a well known song, written by a guy that lost his ENTIRE family). I had sung this very song at my own sons' memorial service- and somehow I could sing it, I believed it, God certainly was holding me rather tightly at that time. This last time, I was actually shaking my head "no"...."not it's not well with my soul-AT ALL". I guess it was a bit of fairly hot anger directed at God. I thought nasty words. I was MAD. oh-yes-that's right-again. And my anger wasn't so much as a result of this lady's passing but at the frustration and hurt, that my precious twin boys were not there with us. That people weren't clambering for a cuddles and goo-ing and gaa-ing. Selfish girl I am.

All that meant I had a really "interesting" month, leading up to and after the 'event'. Lots of yo-yo emotions and feeling lost. In transit. Torn between this life and the next. I know Jason and Caleb need me- and I need them- and yet I need my other sons-with every fibre of my being- but they don't really need me where they are. And yet I want to be with them too. NO- correction- I want us all to be together. It's really not fair.

I wish that ache of hearing about other people's (ALIVE) twins would go away. To be honest, I wish I didn't have to hear about other twins that are in real life existence. Dammit- I wanted to experience being a mummy of twins.

I guess there is progress as far as moving through this grief. I can hold other babies. I LOVE staring at them and drinking in their absolute beauty. I LOVE holding them and rocking them, I possibly feel like keeping one or two...but I CRAVE my own baby. Caleb craves a baby to love, he just adores babies. Poor love. He'd be a fabulous big brother.

With all the hoo-ha of this drama that has been our lives this year....we realised for my sanity and comfort, that we would get private health cover. I wasn't entirely happy with my GP in my pregnancy with the twins. He was so laidback about it all and I being new to this Multiple thing was just about hitting the ceiling with my constant thoughts and questions about twins. Anyway- I don't want to go into all that. For the most part, he is a great DR, having seen me through my pregnancy with Caleb and subsequent miscarriage. He came to my door PERSONALLY to offer his condolences and give me my boys' ashes. But I have digressed.....

We got our private health cover sorted- thanks mostly in part to some VERY generous friends, you know who you are, and it gave me a focus. For the first time in months I could breathe....relax and take time to get myself a bit more "sorted". I had goals. I had time to achieve them without fretting (like I was previous to this decision) about the right time to try again, and worrying about whether it would all hit the fan again. I have suceeded in losing BULK weight-YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! What a burden that had become. I am almost back to my normal weight-praise God for that! I feel almost ready to jump on this wagon again....and then the anxiety hits.
I can feel it in my shoulders and my gut is churning most days at some point just thinking about it.

The problem being I am desperate for a baby. Totally, totally wanting another baby. I can't for now- we have to make sure we wait at least until our 3 mth waiting period for our health cover is up. Which in itself is ok. But I think as it gets closer the nerves are having a good old rattle.
I know it is NOT a good way to think, but I really doubt it all working again for me. I have entirely lost faith that this pregnancy thing works. I am a shattered woman. So as much as I want to be pregnant again and want another baby- I am dreading losing another child. I could not survive it again I don't think- and I swear God-if you test me on that.......
I know I shouldn't be thinking already it will end badly. I wish I could turn my thinking around, I really do. It's not that I doubt it working for others- although that too has become much harder. I guess I am just panicking that this is my lot in life. That I won't ever be blessed with another living child. I have been positive about this...it's only recently I realised- and probably as the anxiety has increased, that I am finding it harder and harder to believe I may get another chance to be a mum. I worry that siblings/siblings-in-law will progres onto other pregnancies and get their babies and that I won't. I truly am panicking that I will likely be pregnant at the same time but yet not get a baby at the 'end'- but of course that they will.

Breathe. I wanted an easier season after this one. Seems it's not my turn yet. (insert bad word here).

My word....has it only been 5 months? Good grief, it feels like a lifetime. And in part, I guess I am feeling that because I have lost a lifetime with my twin sons. Exhausting thing it is, this grief.

I just want a little peek into the future...just a little one. What's in store for me God???

Significance of today

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
There is a very long list toward the end of this post. How I wish I was reading all about these babies' milestones instead of how much pain their families are in.

Most of us in this little blog world, know this.
I wish it would all stop. It sucks. Big time.
I posted the Video from the Stillbirth Foundation on Facebook too. Not to make people feel bad or awkward but to get them to open their eyes to things that go on around them. That the world is not a perfect place, in fact it is one where many die and suffer every year. An equally large number of babies die every year as well as all the more common causes of death for adults etc. But how many recognise that?

This video is from the Stillbirth Foundation in Australia. It is hard to watch...I recognise the pain in many of those faces. If only it could have been so different for all of us.
I couldn't figure out how to get the actual video in the post- I'm feeling way too frazzled and emotional to keep trying, but please follow the link and have a look. You may recognise Sally, from Tuesday's Hope...Hope's picture is labelled with her name. She is pictured with her Mummy and her Daddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Vuvm3uVT8E

I join with Sally and all of you other amazing women as tonight (at 7pm), we light a candle- or in our case 2- for our precious ones that are no longer with us. My heart is breaking today for all of us.

In honour and rememberance of my beautiful twin boys....you are always in our hearts. We miss you more than we can say. much love always, Mummy xx


All of the little baby friends Matthew and Joshua are playing with up in heaven...

And I know there a many more out there....I tried to include as many as I could remember from my wonderful blogging community and IRL also. If I have forgotten anyone, please, please add them to the list in a comment and I will edit my post. All of our babies are important and never, ever forgotten. I have added names to the top of the list that Sally started.

Matthew & Joshua
Andrew (Doran)
Baby E (Doran)
Aubrey & Ellie
Bailey
Chase
Wyatt
Baby Mitchell
Baby Carr
Baby Griffiths
Baby Gethin
Baby Mallin
Bridgitte & Ashlyn
Tyler & Maddy
Hudson
Gavin & Parker
Baby Hutchison (Tina , I hope you don't mind me adding this to the list :-)
Vivian & Annemarie
Bryce
Carleigh
Emma & Chase
Suz's 2 angels
Mackenzie
Magnus
Jasper
Adison & Lillian.
Jordan Daniel
Jenna Belle
Maxton
Phineas
Elijah
Jett

Christian
Lucia
Iris
Ezra
Cayden
Jordan
Silas
Lev
Sam
Tikva
Alice
George
Teddy
Cameron
Henry
Harry
Charlotte
Jacob
Hannah
Callum
Serenity
Caleb
Maddy
Malou
Ciaran
Georgina
Emma
Collin
Zachery
Finn
Ferdinand
Sienna
Angel
Fionn
A.
William
Malina
Lachlan
Abigail
Mackenzie
Sky
Rose
Sophie
Peyton
Rory
Nicholas
Curtis
Kara
Birdie
Leila
Leyla
Noah
Maya
Baker
Akul
Calvin
Spencer
Isla
Josie
Jack
Colden
Zoe
Ashlyn
Caitlin
Alexander
Lucy
Avery & Sophie
Sophie & Aiden
Sophia & Ellie
Sophia & Nicholas

MAD

I can't seem to write anything that makes sense..... I only have to read a sentence or two from some blog posts to feel like I am shaking and fighting back sobs.

I want to write. But nothing comes out right. Or it doesn't say what I want it to.

I am reading some of my regular blogs again but I guess my heart is not ready to contribute to the group ....yet. Bear with me.

I am still mad. Mad that MY boys had to get stupid TTTS, MAD that I didn't get to bring them home....alive, MAD that other people are having twins and they both survive, MAD ( and BARFING) at people that seem to be planning to be pregnant at the same time and will probably end up with healthy , beautiful babies, MAD that is now now waaaaay past SEPTEMBER and I am not overcome with tiredness and dealing with 3 under 3, MAD that my due date passed with not a whisper from ANYONE. That's right, ANYONE.
MAD that I don't feel the same joy I use to when others announced their news. Instead I roll my eyes, or just ignore, or cry silently, or secretely dislike them a lot, or just indifferent. I feel jealous instead. What fun. Will I ever be the same person again who can squeal with delight at someone's news?

Don't get me wrong- I don't want to wish this pain on others. I just want MY TURN.
I am MAD that I'm not naive, and that I know how many squillions of things that can go wrong with pregnancy and babies. I'm MAD that I won't feel completely relaxed about the next one- God willing- until they are safe- home in their crib. And even then.....I read in the paper on Sunday about an olympic swimmer who lost his 2 yr old son....just days before he was to turn 2??? I'm guessing it was SIDS, the paper didn't say. My DH tells me not to read these things, or watch things like that on TV....but there I was soaking up every detail of that article, trying to hold myself together. Why are their little lives threatened so???? Why can't they just be? Give me their suffering anyday. That children should suffer and die just smashes my crappy little broken heart to pieces, yet again.

I still just want it all to "go away". I want my twin boys to be wearing the cute, matching clothes I bought for them, or the wellington boots I found at a garage sale. What the heck do I do with them now??? Caleb wore one pair for a bit- but they are tight on his little feet now. Do I keep them?? Will God give us more babies or not?? are we to be forever a family of 3 alive and 3 in heaven???

help

I feel like I am losing touch of reality -whatever the hell that is- somehow- like I'm "living" two parallel lives.

I told DH last night that I wasn't coping. He was relieved I was telling him. He asked what he could do to help- and the only thing I could think of to say was "drown me". I know- what an awful, selfish thing to say. I guess I just feel like I'm drowning. He suggested what I talk about in this next paragraph...

Confession.
I have a huge fear of going to " see" someone. You know- someone (whispers- counsellor) like that means I am really actually losing my marbles. What if they throw me in the loony bin? Surely I can cope with this without that kind of "help". It just seems to have negative connotations for me for some reason.

I am hanging out to have another baby- not to replace what I've lost-that's impossible.
But at the same time it terrifies me, I'm scared it won't work again, scared that if I lose another baby I'll truly end up in the nut house. 3's enough right? too many more like it.

Told DH we need private cover-don't know how we can afford that- it's going to have to be miraculous that we can!!- I can;t do another pregnancy without it. First time perfect pregnancy and perfect ALIVE baby- not so naive anymore. Annoying as hell that is.

ha- can you tell I'm angry?- bad words are threatening to over take my writing.
I thought it was supposed to ge easier, not harder.

Honest Scrap Award

Christy from A Piece of the Pearsons and
Steph from The New normal

have both nominated me for the "Honest Scrap Award"- for which I am truly humbled and honoured! Really! That people can understand AND appreciate my thoughts is amazing!! Thanks girls :-) I have gained so much from reading their blogs and many others out there- what a blessing it is to have such amazing support. Thanks for every person that comments- it's special having so many care so much

This award is for bloggers who write honestly from their heart, from the depth of their soul. There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers:

Fiona at : Remembering Bailey
Sally at : Tuesday's Hope
mb at: 3 Pairs of Feet
Catherine at: Between the Snow and The Huge Roses
Barbara at: Letters to my lost son
Danielle at : Letting Go and Letting God
Laura at: Moments of Pause

Ten honest things about me . . .

1. I love to scrap...but rarely seem find the time these days :-( my son is now 2 and I haven't finished his "1st year album"! It did take me a few years to do my wedding album... *sigh*

2. I am chasing after one dream of having my own business doing something I love....making handcrafted invitations/thankyou cards/birth announcements/ memorial momento's..etc etc

3. I am a trained primary school teacher and have loved teaching at my local christian school but have lots of other passions too

4. I am trying to lose massive amounts of weight- again :-((( sucks putting on weight for a baby or in our case babieS and not getting the babies to keep.

5. I have a serious addiction to hot chips- ok alright-particularly HOT chips but it is a favourite vegetable so anything "potatoey" is a hit! Why does my body not suit carbs so well???

6. I adore my husband and son !

7. Love to bake but due to point 4- don't get to that often- otherwise I just eat it !!

8. Love watching movies all rugged up on wintery days

9. I love hanging out with friends and doing crafty pursuits

10. I desperately wanted my son to be a big brother by his second birthday- and have them around to love.

boring list me thinks. Time restraints??! or I'm just boring...I think the latter!! haha

Am I making progress??

No idea. Am I??

I really feel weary. I wish there was a "switch off grief" button somewhere....and therein lies the problem. I KNOW it's now a part of my life forever ( don't get me wrong- I NEVER want to forget my boys) BUUUUUT....I really am struggling making all this my new kind of normal.

A very dear friend asked me how I was healing? And I LOVE that she asked...many haven't.
But I had no idea how to answer her really. Like I told my friend, I'm a bit all over the place.
The hardest thing to deal with lately seems to be that it's affecting ME- who I am- was- whatever.
I have lost interest in things I was previously passionate about. I doubt my abilties in everything like never before. I feel insecure like I haven't for a long time.

It just feels a bit like something is wrong with me- like I'm "melting" (hehehe- love that wizard of oz line)...like I'm losing who I was.

And maybe I'm just being melodramatic??
maybe I just need to get over myself?? ha. No idea.

ideas anyone?
Diagnosis insane??!

maybe it's a bit of a panic because so many more keep popping up with their wonderful news ( and it is so different when it's a baby lost mumma- really it is) but it feels like others are jumping the queue-pushing in....don't they realise it should be my turn- have they forgotten so soon those tiny people I brought into the world?

I guess life just sucks.
sometimes.
at the moment.

The Secret Garden Meeting -August

If you created a bedroom for your baby (babies) tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your babies?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your babies' room now?
If you are trying to conceive again or are pregnant again, how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

Our boys would have had their own special room. Not that it was completely prepared- I was a bit anxious about doing too much after losing our first baby the November before. That was like what Carly said about Christian- it was a blessing in a way; not being completely prepared. That being said , because the twins were not our "firsts", we had the basics all ready to be transferred from Caleb's room to the nursery when we needed. We had a few things in the room "ready"- like the extra bouncer we needed with having multiple babies!- and the bath seat to help manage bathing two cherubs at once, caleb's old playpen and his baby clothes, blankets and all that jazz.

Those things are still sitting there. I can't take them out. I need to believe that we will get another chance at bringing home a real live baby. I know our boys wouldn't mind sharing their room at all- even though it will always be their room- the big room - the room we always knew would have children sharing- we just didn't expect God would bless us with 2 at once!!! It was meant for them- and that hurts like nothing else- I almost wish I'd put their name signs up on the door like I had for Caleb- so people could never forget the babes that were supposed to be filling that room . I was sooo looking forward to watching them grow up in that room together- I had designed in my head how we could make it look for them as they grew up.....

Their cupboards are another story altogether. Still full and overflowing with all the clothes bought and handed down for them. :-(
I found some really well cared for-still new looking clothes at a garage sale before we found out the boys were sick- and it was kinda the first and only time I "let myself go" buying stuff for them. This lady had so many clothes - lots of matching and similar outfits that would have been just PERFECT for twin boys. So ridiculously cute. I can't look at them. It just makes me feel mad and hurt and lost. I think I would like to keep some of them as reminders of Matthew and Joshua when I can face going through them. They all feel sacred but it wouldn't be particularly practical to keep them all. Not that we have any idea what the future holds for us child wise....(please God- no more twins. too hard. don't go there...)

I hadn't made up a cot- as we still had Caleb sleeping in it and we were going to wait until the twins were bigger before we bought another cot, I hadn't put new curtains on the windows- just couldn't afford it and it became a low priority compared to surviving and getting through those tough weeks when we realised how fragile our boys were. I couldn't go into their room for a long time but then we we eventually transitioned Caleb from cot to "big boy bed" there was no room for his change table so we put that in the boys' room. That helped me to adjust to using it again. Although once Caleb got into the cupboards and pulled out some of his baby shoes- and I was horrified- I so very nearly raved at him ( it was just a knee jerk reaction to someone touching my boys special things I wanted to give them) but knew he would have no clue as to what he'd done and didn't deserve mummy mad at him for just playing with some shoes. Poor love. What a crazy mummy.

I really identified with Sally when she said; " ...and like a complete idiot. I felt like the Universe was laughing at me. Why would I be so smug to assume my baby was coming home with us?"

uh-huh.
I hear ya.

I felt silly having the extra bouncer, the extra everythings- all those gorgeous clothes-matching wellingtons even. I felt like a fool. I even felt like that after we found out the boys had gone to heaven- I had this huge belly- but my babies were dead. It was horrific walking around- feeling like a total fraud waiting for my crappy hospital appointment to deliver my babies- but not get to feed them or take them home all snug as a bug.

Sorry Sally- but I'm going to quote you again-!!...

"I figure I can't really jinx myself. I'm just being silly. Whether I buy clothes or not, or continue to decorate the room or not has no bearing on whether this boy will actually come home with us."
-TRUE. hmmm.
I have to get over this paranoia of not doing anything next time- if there is a next time- because I know ultimately it isn't going to mean I don't get to take home a baby just because I bought some clothes or baby gear. My heart may tell me differently...I would want them to know how loved and wanted they were regardless (which obviously isn't the only way to demonstrate that). I know we all cope differently and this is just where I'm at- I don't expect everyone to feel the same.

I am so thankful I DO have a healthy, happy and thriving 2 year old. I do count my blessings...but I'm hoping and praying God will give us another chance to parent another child. To have a child in THAT room. Fill that empty room Jesus please. I hate it empty. It is a hollow, (pracitcally) empty room- that YES- should have my boys in- but was made to hold little monkeys or little princesses. Matthew and Joshua- even though they never got the chance to enter that room- will always be there in spirit for me. Love you two.xx