Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I feel like I am losing touch of reality -whatever the hell that is- somehow- like I'm "living" two parallel lives.

I told DH last night that I wasn't coping. He was relieved I was telling him. He asked what he could do to help- and the only thing I could think of to say was "drown me". I know- what an awful, selfish thing to say. I guess I just feel like I'm drowning. He suggested what I talk about in this next paragraph...

I have a huge fear of going to " see" someone. You know- someone (whispers- counsellor) like that means I am really actually losing my marbles. What if they throw me in the loony bin? Surely I can cope with this without that kind of "help". It just seems to have negative connotations for me for some reason.

I am hanging out to have another baby- not to replace what I've lost-that's impossible.
But at the same time it terrifies me, I'm scared it won't work again, scared that if I lose another baby I'll truly end up in the nut house. 3's enough right? too many more like it.

Told DH we need private cover-don't know how we can afford that- it's going to have to be miraculous that we can!!- I can;t do another pregnancy without it. First time perfect pregnancy and perfect ALIVE baby- not so naive anymore. Annoying as hell that is.

ha- can you tell I'm angry?- bad words are threatening to over take my writing.
I thought it was supposed to ge easier, not harder.


Faulconbridge Mallins said...

Sending you a big blogger hug Sarah!

After I had Jessie -I fell into a big heap ... a product of things that happened in my childhood, and also having 2 bubs with traumatic things happening at the same time (Jonathan broke his neck when Benny was 3 weeks old, and I had a horrid time in the hospital with Jessie) - so the newborn phase for me was tough to say the least - I was quite a mess. I ended up seeing a Clinical Psychologist that specialised in Women's Mental Health and also went onto medication.

I have come through to the other side now (praise God!), and I can say (without a shadow of a doubt) that it was the best decision I ever made (to see a professional about what was going on inside my head and heart).

Hang in there - keep talking to Jason and to God, and if you feel the need to go and talk to a professional - try to embrace it.

Lots of Love!

Franchesca Cox said...

Its ok to be angry. I get these waves that just come over me and I am just plain mad that I couldn't do a thing to save her life. I hope that you have a beautiful healthy baby. Lots of hugs

Fiona said...

Yes Sarah, it is OK to feel the way you feel. I told my husband through a bad moment that I wanted to end my life, unfortunately he flipped out and said the wrong things to me, which only made it worse. That's when I realised I was using him as a counsellor. Like you, I don't want to go to a counsellor for any number of reasons. My church has a professional counsellor and my pastor is really pushing me to see her - for me, I can't see it doing anything for me, but maybe if I do see her, it might actually help. I have to think about this.

Lots of Love.

Catherine W said...

Oh Sarah. I wish I could hug you through the computer. Or at least come round and drink a cup of tea with you.
I would have liked to have sent you an e-mail about this but I can't find your address. I don't think there is any harm in going to see a counsellor, you do need to find the right person for you which might take time. You could always try it on for size, see if it is helpful? I'm sure they are not going to throw you in the loony bin. If they still did things like that I would be there waiting to welcome you.
I think anyone would struggle with what life has handed you recently, anyone. I certainly needed "help" and the counselling route helped me, it certainly might not help everyone. I'm sure you've probably been to this website but at there are some really interesting posts about counselling and other routes.
My e-mail is up on my blogger profile if want to chat. Sorry about the long comment, your reply to your husband had me in tears. I've felt that way too. xx

Danielle said...

I don't know if this will help, but I was EXACTLY where you were, and I still fall back to this point frequently. I wrote a post trying to describe this part of my life. If you go to my blog and search for the post titled "Limbo", I hope this might help. I know it always helps me when I see that I am not alone in my feelings. If there is ANYTHING I can do to help you, PLEASE, all you have to do is ask. ((Hugs))

Heather said...

I agree with Catherine, You sould try the counselling route, and if its not for you then who's going to make you go. Its worth a shot. Also, you may want to find a suuport group for bereaved parents, then you may not feel as much pressure. And you can listen to others who probably have simliar feelings an dwho have been there. Your hospital may be able to help you find one in your area. I hope you find somethign that helps you heal, as much as possible anyway.

Laura said...

I went through this- and thought I was going crazy!!! I actually did go to a counselor and what I took from it was good- I've had friends who have gone to them and they've said just going and talking has been so theraputic- I say check it out- don't worry about the 'stigma'- the reality about it is that so many people go now- though no one talks about it... do what you need to do for yourself. My support group has been my biggest source of support and healing though that doesn't downplay what I took from that counseling session- I wrote about it on my blog in a post called "Perhaps... The CRAZY me..." if you're interested go here:
Good luck to you- thinkinf of you and understanding more than you know...
Laura D.

Sarah said...

Hi Sharon- thanks for your comment. I remember Jonathan's accident- I remember thinking "yikes- how is sharon going to cope with all that?!"
Wow- you had a really tough time then. I'm glad you were brave enough to go see someone. Though we haven't actively looked yet- I'm thinking that talking to a christian counsellor would be helpful in getting me moving forward better.
I fell in a bit of a heap for a few days there -and I read about some awful, awful things that happened to other families and I just got so overwhelmed with sadness. It has passed now but I can see that it could happen again- and I'm going to distance myself from blogging a bit until I have better learned to cope with my own low moments.

Fiona- I'm sorry your hubby reacted badly to your struggle...I must admit my back went up when you said your pastor was pushing you to see that counsellor- so not his decision. He can recommend it- but then BACK OFF...I have come to realise as much I might not like the idea- I think it will help me to chat with a christian counsellor. I think at least they would understand that although I'm mad at God- I still trust in his ultimate plan for my life- and other counsellors just may not get that. I will be praying for you as you think about it. I'll let you know how I get on with all of it xx

Catherine- I'm emailing you :-)

Danielle- thanks- I will check out your post now. Thankyou for your kind words and offers of help- you're gorgeous:-)

Hi Heather- I think I will give it a shot. I have also thought about trying to find a bereaved parents group...I'm sure there is one somewhere. You're right- that may end up being better and less directed just at me. We'll see- thanks for your thoughts and ideas- I really appreciate them!

Thanks Laura- it is encouraging to know 'normal' ppl use counsellors and that it doesn't nec have to mean you are totally nuts if you need one. I am definately going to check out your blog post. Thanks Laura- you are so amazing. I'm sorry you DO understand- but I'm ever so thankful for your advice and support :-))

Laura said...

Hi Sarah-
Thinking of you still- and hoping you got the private email that I sent you yesterday... if not, please let me know!

Amy said...

I'm sorry you are struggling so desperately. That feeling of wanting to drown, go to sleep for an indefinate length of time, all that is expected. It sucks to feel that way all the same.

I currently see a therapist twice a month. I think it helps to have a place where I am expected to cry and share dark thoughts. It was strange at first, until I got used to it. I do think it is helping.

I hope you find a way to get some peace into your heart.

Thinking of you

Christy said...

Sarah--It sounds like your husband is very supportive and is okay, prefers, that you greive outwardly. You have to know that it's okay to be sad and crying and getting it out is okay because you have reason to be sad. You have to pull yourself out, too. If you need help, then you need help and that's what a counselor is for. Be open to anything because thank god you don't know how to get through this and have never done this before. No one else knows what to do, either. i hope you find peace. Take care.

Karen said...

(((Hugs))) Grief is a nasty beast. I hope you find comfort from the other babylost mummas who feel anger and have dark times. I feel more than a bit mental sometimes. I was fortunate to run into a man up the street (we just moved a few weeks after our baby died during his birth) who it turns out is a trauma psychologist. He said he's fairly sure that most bereaved mothers have post traumatic stress - like soldiers losing a buddy on the battlefield - which I found interesting. He's offered to do the ERMD therapy when I'm ready. Till then, I can't say how grateful I am for blogworld babylost mummas. I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful babies.

Sarah said...

Hi Amy- thanks for your comment. I think like you did...I would probably get used to seeing someone, once I went.I wish i'd been able to say I'd taken that step by now but i haven''s an excuse but there aren't a whole pile to choose from in a regional city! :-P

Oh Christy- I love hearing what you have to say....I know it's okay to be sad and crying- but I still bite my lip and fight it off...I still feel like I could drown in my tears if I let them take hold. I don't know if I should be making myself cry- to get it out...or not?? I would just love a really caring, therapist to fall into my lap!!! hahaha.

Indeed Grief is a nasty beast karen!It is comforting to know I"m not the only one who has felt completely mental, that's for sure!
I think your psychologist friend might be right- about the PTS...yep. Totally. Awesome for you- that you found someone so easily!!! Fantastic :-)