Friday, November 13, 2009

Secret Garden Meeting- October

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

Firstly I will admit, I avoided this meeting last month. It was an "angry" and a "disheartened" phase and I just wasn't "in the mood" (haha-oh how liberally we use that phrase!!).
I feel like the waters of this journey have been particularly choppy again.

More accurately- things have built up and exploded in spectacular fashion , built up again and settled (currently I am in a dormant stage of activity but be warned....I could errupt at any moment, with little notice).

I am sorry if I don't follow any particular flow here- but since waiting to write just the "right thing" and in the "right way" has stopped me recently- I am just boldly going forth with my dribble and hoping it comes out reasonably!!

Back to the Volcano analogy.

We had a funeral a mth?? or so back. I had not anticipated it would send me as troppo as I think it did. Although, I was a bit of a "snappy tom" leading up to the event (which should have given me some warning I was in a bit of a meltdown). For the person who passed on from this Earth- it was no doubt a blessing, being freed from her many ailments and issues but it brought a whole lot up to the surface for me and indeed it was not "well with my soul" (a well known song, written by a guy that lost his ENTIRE family). I had sung this very song at my own sons' memorial service- and somehow I could sing it, I believed it, God certainly was holding me rather tightly at that time. This last time, I was actually shaking my head "no"...."not it's not well with my soul-AT ALL". I guess it was a bit of fairly hot anger directed at God. I thought nasty words. I was MAD. oh-yes-that's right-again. And my anger wasn't so much as a result of this lady's passing but at the frustration and hurt, that my precious twin boys were not there with us. That people weren't clambering for a cuddles and goo-ing and gaa-ing. Selfish girl I am.

All that meant I had a really "interesting" month, leading up to and after the 'event'. Lots of yo-yo emotions and feeling lost. In transit. Torn between this life and the next. I know Jason and Caleb need me- and I need them- and yet I need my other sons-with every fibre of my being- but they don't really need me where they are. And yet I want to be with them too. NO- correction- I want us all to be together. It's really not fair.

I wish that ache of hearing about other people's (ALIVE) twins would go away. To be honest, I wish I didn't have to hear about other twins that are in real life existence. Dammit- I wanted to experience being a mummy of twins.

I guess there is progress as far as moving through this grief. I can hold other babies. I LOVE staring at them and drinking in their absolute beauty. I LOVE holding them and rocking them, I possibly feel like keeping one or two...but I CRAVE my own baby. Caleb craves a baby to love, he just adores babies. Poor love. He'd be a fabulous big brother.

With all the hoo-ha of this drama that has been our lives this year....we realised for my sanity and comfort, that we would get private health cover. I wasn't entirely happy with my GP in my pregnancy with the twins. He was so laidback about it all and I being new to this Multiple thing was just about hitting the ceiling with my constant thoughts and questions about twins. Anyway- I don't want to go into all that. For the most part, he is a great DR, having seen me through my pregnancy with Caleb and subsequent miscarriage. He came to my door PERSONALLY to offer his condolences and give me my boys' ashes. But I have digressed.....

We got our private health cover sorted- thanks mostly in part to some VERY generous friends, you know who you are, and it gave me a focus. For the first time in months I could breathe....relax and take time to get myself a bit more "sorted". I had goals. I had time to achieve them without fretting (like I was previous to this decision) about the right time to try again, and worrying about whether it would all hit the fan again. I have suceeded in losing BULK weight-YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! What a burden that had become. I am almost back to my normal weight-praise God for that! I feel almost ready to jump on this wagon again....and then the anxiety hits.
I can feel it in my shoulders and my gut is churning most days at some point just thinking about it.

The problem being I am desperate for a baby. Totally, totally wanting another baby. I can't for now- we have to make sure we wait at least until our 3 mth waiting period for our health cover is up. Which in itself is ok. But I think as it gets closer the nerves are having a good old rattle.
I know it is NOT a good way to think, but I really doubt it all working again for me. I have entirely lost faith that this pregnancy thing works. I am a shattered woman. So as much as I want to be pregnant again and want another baby- I am dreading losing another child. I could not survive it again I don't think- and I swear God-if you test me on that.......
I know I shouldn't be thinking already it will end badly. I wish I could turn my thinking around, I really do. It's not that I doubt it working for others- although that too has become much harder. I guess I am just panicking that this is my lot in life. That I won't ever be blessed with another living child. I have been positive about's only recently I realised- and probably as the anxiety has increased, that I am finding it harder and harder to believe I may get another chance to be a mum. I worry that siblings/siblings-in-law will progres onto other pregnancies and get their babies and that I won't. I truly am panicking that I will likely be pregnant at the same time but yet not get a baby at the 'end'- but of course that they will.

Breathe. I wanted an easier season after this one. Seems it's not my turn yet. (insert bad word here).

My word....has it only been 5 months? Good grief, it feels like a lifetime. And in part, I guess I am feeling that because I have lost a lifetime with my twin sons. Exhausting thing it is, this grief.

I just want a little peek into the future...just a little one. What's in store for me God???