Tuesday, October 6, 2009


I can't seem to write anything that makes sense..... I only have to read a sentence or two from some blog posts to feel like I am shaking and fighting back sobs.

I want to write. But nothing comes out right. Or it doesn't say what I want it to.

I am reading some of my regular blogs again but I guess my heart is not ready to contribute to the group ....yet. Bear with me.

I am still mad. Mad that MY boys had to get stupid TTTS, MAD that I didn't get to bring them home....alive, MAD that other people are having twins and they both survive, MAD ( and BARFING) at people that seem to be planning to be pregnant at the same time and will probably end up with healthy , beautiful babies, MAD that is now now waaaaay past SEPTEMBER and I am not overcome with tiredness and dealing with 3 under 3, MAD that my due date passed with not a whisper from ANYONE. That's right, ANYONE.
MAD that I don't feel the same joy I use to when others announced their news. Instead I roll my eyes, or just ignore, or cry silently, or secretely dislike them a lot, or just indifferent. I feel jealous instead. What fun. Will I ever be the same person again who can squeal with delight at someone's news?

Don't get me wrong- I don't want to wish this pain on others. I just want MY TURN.
I am MAD that I'm not naive, and that I know how many squillions of things that can go wrong with pregnancy and babies. I'm MAD that I won't feel completely relaxed about the next one- God willing- until they are safe- home in their crib. And even then.....I read in the paper on Sunday about an olympic swimmer who lost his 2 yr old son....just days before he was to turn 2??? I'm guessing it was SIDS, the paper didn't say. My DH tells me not to read these things, or watch things like that on TV....but there I was soaking up every detail of that article, trying to hold myself together. Why are their little lives threatened so???? Why can't they just be? Give me their suffering anyday. That children should suffer and die just smashes my crappy little broken heart to pieces, yet again.

I still just want it all to "go away". I want my twin boys to be wearing the cute, matching clothes I bought for them, or the wellington boots I found at a garage sale. What the heck do I do with them now??? Caleb wore one pair for a bit- but they are tight on his little feet now. Do I keep them?? Will God give us more babies or not?? are we to be forever a family of 3 alive and 3 in heaven???


Holly said...

So many things change. I'm sorry no one acknowledged your due date. It's still a significant day even though they are no longer here.

Danielle said...

I am so sorry no one checked on you on the boys due date. Due dates are hard to get through. No one in my family, or my IRL friends for that matter, bothered to call and check on us when Wyatt's due date rolled around. It hurt. This anger stage is all too familiar. It still rears it's ugly head in our house quite often, but it's becoming a little fewer and farther in between. Praying for you and your family. ((Hugs))

Catherine W said...

Oh Sarah. I'm so sorry. It isn't fair. It just isn't fair that your boys aren't here with you. Life is very, very cruel sometimes.

I was also the person who squealed with delight at baby news but I'm not any more either. I wish I could give us both back our innocence and our joy and our ability to find pleasure and peace in pregnancy.

I'm sorry that nobody acknowledged your due date. Such a difficult time, a day that should have been so happy, when you should have been welcoming your twins into the world. I'm so sorry. Hugs. xo

Franchesca Cox said...

It is okay to be MAD. We will bear with you, because on some level, we have all been mad. I get mad a lot too. I mean just so angry that I can do nothing about this endless pit of grief and hurt my baby went through. It slowly minimizes, like Danielle said. Slowly. But it still comes up. I am so sorry no one remembered your due date. That must have been very difficult for you. I hope you know you are not alone in your tears, anger and loss for words. Your honesty helps us more than you know. Praying for you.


Karen said...

I'm so sorry your due date went unnoticed by those around you. So sorry. And I'm sorry you don't have three under three, that things aren't as they should be. I get that totally. Thinking of you and your twin boys and sending you love. (((Hugs)))

Faulconbridge Mallins said...

Im so sorry no one (including us) remembered your due date. You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers ...H*U*G*S!

Sarah said...

Ah girls- thanks for your loving words. It's pretty much my own fault about the due date....I don't think it's anywhere on my blog?? and I haven't been "advertising" it....yet somehow once the day had passed and not a soul had said ANYTHING, I felt a bit peeved. For me and for my boys. Silly really.
I guess I thought somehow, miraculously those around me (phsyically) might have remembered us initially telling them the due date....or when we repeated it those 10 million other times ppl asked. It was even on the calendar...not even DH said a word.

I guess some may have remembered but didn't want to be the ones to bring it up or make me cry.

Mmmm....I hadn't felt this angry since i stepped back from blogging...and now here it is- back again, rearing it's ugly head. Maybe I'm just fed up with ALL the suffering, the hurt YOU ALL have experienced or witnessed...I'm just OVER IT!

Catherine- if you discover a magic pill that will give us some innocence and joy back....send me a SHIPPING CONTAINER full of them!!!! hahaha.

Thanks Danielle and Holly :-)
Thanks Franchesca...thankyou for bearing with my angry outbursts!!

It's frustrating isn't it Karen? It will just never be as it should - it can't be without your precious George and my Matthew and joshua. There will always be that gap. thanks for the love xx

thanks sharonxx

thanks for caring girls- it means so much xx

Rachel Tenpenny Crawford said...

I am so sorry that your due date passed and not a word. I know how that feels. Not even my husband mentioned a word on Aubrey and Ellie's death dates. It hurt me deeply. Some things just sting. I know how you feel. I was MAD too. SO MAD! But over a year later I am not so mad. I have angry moments, but I don't feel like I used to. Don't lose hope. Your losses are so recent. You need to give yourself a lot of grace. I am praying for your friend. I am here if you need me.

Sarah said...

Hi Rachel- I am looking forward to not feeling so mad- am i ever!! What a relief that will be!
Thanks for understanding....
I'm sorry your husband didn't say anything on Aubrey and Ellie's dates...:-( We all deal with things so differently don't we?!

I am trying to hold onto hope- some days it doesn't exist, other days it's just in my fingers grip...and then other days are ok :-)
I do forget our loss was not that many mths ago- for me it I guess it feels like a lifetime without them already.
thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for praying for are such a beautiful person Rachel!
You blog encourages me to keep looking forward and hoping for the future - much love

Sarah xx

Christy said...

Sarah--You have every right to be mad. I know what you mean to step away from the blogging. But hopefully when you come back and get support through comments on your blog, you will be inspired to write again and again and get those feelings off your chest. So tell someone how exactly mad you are and they actually know...they know the exact place because they (we've) been there, too. Hugs to you....and keep the boots, they sound cute. ;)

Fiona said...

I wish I could give you a hug right now. I'm so sorry that no-one remembered your beautiful babies due date. It's so hard, isn't it? If I hear a certain song now, I just burst out in tears with the emotions it brings up about everything I've lost. I was watching TV, and the teenager decided she'd rather die than go through surgery which would have either made things worse or give her a few more months of life, I cried so much because her father wanted her to fight - he said they will all miss all her life milestones - getting married, first child, etc. We will miss every milestone in our children's lives, as we didn't even get a first cry from our babies. My heart goes out to you, Sarah. I wish you didn't have to go through all this - it isn't fair as you deserve so much happiness, too. xxx

Heather said...

Im mad, too. Like a new person, nasty mad. Like where is my wife mad. Like don't start with me or is gonna get ugly mad. I even almost went off on 2 little old ladies at the grocery store. The cashier and the shopper were slow as molasses running uphill in the snow and chatting on like it was tea time about coupons and reusable shopping bags. I really had to breathe and remind myself to behave. I made it out with just a little eye-rolling. Those poor ladies! I hope they didn't notice.
No-one outside the blog world mentioned my due date either...unless I brought it up. I don't even know if anyone in our family remembered. So I can imagine how you feel. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hang in there, I know it's not easy. And you know what, Im pissed that I'm exhausted but not from taking care of 3 under 3 too.

Anonymous said...

Wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry. I wish I had something better than that to say to you. I really do. xxx

Laura said...

Just getting back on reading my blogs friend! I think that everything that you write here makes perfect sense. I think that we moms need to remember is that feelings aren't right or wrong- they are!
I am also so sorry that no one remembered the due date- That is so hard to feel forgotten- I say tell the world about what is bothering you- what the day means so that they can't NOT acknowledge the date- or it's importance... (at least that's how I handled it in the past- and it may have driven people crazy- but I felt better...- think that when you're hurting- you need to take care of yourself!)
One day you will be able to squeal with delight at someone's news- but it will take time- it will take healing- it may take growing your own family first- and even still there may be twinges of jealousy here and there- I still have a hard time hearing about people with twin boys and I wonder what moms who have lost a singleton think? Is is everytime a boy (or girl) is born? (sigh)Its' just so sad- I know that the time drags when you want to grow your family- but as someone who has waited- and worried and prayed- I too know that it can and does happen! And I'm praying so much that it will happen for you! And I will be here praying for you every step of the way!

Sarah said...

Thanks Christy- it has been good to vent again and get back into blogging. Your encouragement is greatly appreciated!! I think I will keep the boots and add them one day to the box I have of special things :-) xx

Thanks Fiona- the missed milestones will always be there- and I'll be thinking of you and Bailey when they come around.
Keep me updated with this new stage for you okay?! xx

Wish we were both flat out with our twins Heather...sorry you have been so mad too. Better out than in though I think ?! :-) thinking of you xx
om taking care of 3 under 3 too.

I'll take the imaginary/cyber hug Seraphim.... :-)) thankyou for your kind words,saying just "sorry" is nothing to sneeze at, you beautiful girl xx

Thanks Laura- I am learning this about feelings -slowly. I have to stop apologising for feeling one way or another- even if it quickly passes. It was still a VALID feeling!!!
Re: dates....I think I will just put it out there in future- those that get uncomfortable will just ignore it anyway!!
I think you're right -there will always be a twinge hearing about or seeing twins...and you're right (AGAIN- you are so wise woman!!)- time does feel like it's crawling, waiting to grow our family- I'm trying to make the most of this time and not be impatient ( I am actually doing okay on this count I think- wow- God must have helped me learn some patience after all!!lol)
I will be coveting your prayers laura-when-if- our time comes again. You are my light at the end of the tunnel!!! :-) xx