How do you see or imagine your babies now that they are not here with you?
I see Matthew and Joshua in heaven, looking down at us with such beautiful smiles. I have not yet got to the place where I can dream about them- it's still a bit raw- and I just want them here in reality. I hope I can get to that place where I can dream about my sweethearts without feeling traumatised. Because of what I believe, I know they are in a place that is so much better than what I have experienced yet- and that makes me happy- happy that they are not ever going to suffer. That is something isn't it?! I still can't believe my twin boys are gone...I miss them so but trust in God's bigger plan, most of the time. I do 'see' them as gorgeous little cherubs, with curly locks like their big brother and divine smiles...I just wish I could kiss their chubby cheeks and play with them.
How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?
At this stage, pregnancy feels like a giant big myth for me. Did I imagine a problem free pregnancy with my first son?! Is it ever going to be a positive experience for me again? I hope it's not 9 mths of "hell" but at this stage I don't know if I believe it's going to be real for us again. It frightens me beyond belief. I desperately hope we can have more babies but only time will tell I guess. My only hope- is that if and when it happens, it's not twins again- my heart could not take it.