Monday, August 3, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting Questions

How do you see or imagine your babies now that they are not here with you?

I see Matthew and Joshua in heaven, looking down at us with such beautiful smiles. I have not yet got to the place where I can dream about them- it's still a bit raw- and I just want them here in reality. I hope I can get to that place where I can dream about my sweethearts without feeling traumatised. Because of what I believe, I know they are in a place that is so much better than what I have experienced yet- and that makes me happy- happy that they are not ever going to suffer. That is something isn't it?! I still can't believe my twin boys are gone...I miss them so but trust in God's bigger plan, most of the time. I do 'see' them as gorgeous little cherubs, with curly locks like their big brother and divine smiles...I just wish I could kiss their chubby cheeks and play with them.

How did the loss of your last pregnancy affect your choices/decisions about the birth of your subsequent pregnancy?

At this stage, pregnancy feels like a giant big myth for me. Did I imagine a problem free pregnancy with my first son?! Is it ever going to be a positive experience for me again? I hope it's not 9 mths of "hell" but at this stage I don't know if I believe it's going to be real for us again. It frightens me beyond belief. I desperately hope we can have more babies but only time will tell I guess. My only hope- is that if and when it happens, it's not twins again- my heart could not take it.


Holly said...

I bet their smiles are very beautiful. Can you imagine what a heavenly smile looks like?

Sarah said...

what a special thought-heavenly smiles :-)
thanks Holly xx

Mrs. A said...

The fact that my girls are never going to suffer or hurt was a big deal to me too! I wish there was some way not to be scared of a new pregnancy...but it is inevitable! Wishing you the best!

Pearson house of 6 said...

I started having babies when I was 27 and I just turned 37. I have never been a "good pregnant person"--so uncomfortable sometimes it hurts. Not much was different with this last was still uncomfortable. My favorite part is always feeling the baby move, i love that. I just wish I wasn't so uncomfortable. Anyway, this last time, I have 3 kids, I'm older, I knew time was going to fly. And it did, for the most part. My perspective was, and is, that 9 months is a blink of the eye in the grand scheme of things. It really does go fast, even when you're uncomfortable. Especially when you look back. My perspective now, after losing Chase, is on a completley different level. I would feel so lucky to be pregnant, I would not dislike it so much, I would cherish it, and I would pray and pray for a healthy delivery. Because those things I took for granted. I know I would be a head case if I got pregnant again, but I would love those 9 months so much more than I ever did before. Because you never know what you are loving, until it's gone.
I hope you have more....I wish that for you.

Laura said...

Thank you for sharing! I hope that time gives you some healing- like a scab- that never really goes away- I know for me it's been like there are moments where that scab is ripped off and I'm right back to that night- but most days for my now- I live with that scab...
I was like you too- praying to NEVER AGAIN have twins- too scary because for me I had no loss of movement- no hints to what had happened... In my current pregnancy she mentioned that some of my numbers looked high and that I may be carring twins again- it scared me to death- thank God there was one and hopefully he/she will come home to live with us!
Hugs to you!
Laura D.

Carly Marie said...


I have had only 2 dreams in 2 1/2 years of my little guy. I too trust in a plan, but sometimes its just so hard isn't it.

As a women who is pregnant again out from losing Christian I can say that for me it hasn't been hell. It has been beautiful, worrying, anxious and at the very end (when River was born) just absolutely amazing.

I wish you peace today friend x

Sarah said...

thanks for telling me that about your dreams Carly...I had imagined you had so many. That makes me feel a little more normal if that makes sense?!

I am so glad it hasn't been hell for you Carly- so glad....I am looking forward to being pregnant again with all my heart- I am so ashamed of taking it all for granted with Caleb. I guess I will just have to cherish every day when it does happen.
Did you hold off doing baby things with River-until she was actually with you?! I think that's what bothers me the most- no knowing how to approach the " next time".

feeling more at peace about it ever so slowly-so thankyou beautiful girl :-)

Sarah said...

Thanks Mrs A for your kind wishes:-) i know- it'd be nice to not have to be scared..just have to take it one day at a time x

Sarah said...

Hi Christy,

I just love feeling them move too!
I remember feeling so stunned when we found out there was something wrong with our boys- they had been so active and wriggly-esp matthew-who was our littlest guy. weird. Guess they were just trying to love mummy while they could.

I am going to find it emotional being pregnant again-hormones aside!- but I too will cherish every single second and pray like mad we'll get to take that cherub home alive.
thankyou for your encouraging words xx

Sarah said...

oh my- I can only imagine your feelings when your Dr said you might be carrying twins again. Phew- it makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
Completely get the 'scab' i ever.
I'm praying for you and your precious baby xx

Catherine W said...

I'm so glad that you see your beautiful boys smiling at you. I hope you manage to dream about them one day soon.

I'm so sorry that Matthew and Joshua are not with you and their family. I've also tried to take some comfort in the fact that, where my daughter has gone, there is no suffering.

I also feel scared about twins again, it would just be too much, it would bring back too many memories for me.


Fiona said...

Hi Sarah,

Take comfort in knowing that they are in a beautiful place, way better than here. Being with God and free from pain and suffering.

It doesn't take away the pain of losing our beautiful babies and the wish that they were still here, but I like to think they are all having a wonderful time together.


Sarah said...

Hi Catherine,
thanks for you comment :-) I hope I dream about them one day too!

Fiona- I KNOW our boys are having a blast together, I see them all playing together in my mind! it's a beautiful picture! xx