Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting -August

If you created a bedroom for your baby (babies) tell us what it was like.
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your babies?
Did you pack it all away?
What is your babies' room now?
If you are trying to conceive again or are pregnant again, how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

Our boys would have had their own special room. Not that it was completely prepared- I was a bit anxious about doing too much after losing our first baby the November before. That was like what Carly said about Christian- it was a blessing in a way; not being completely prepared. That being said , because the twins were not our "firsts", we had the basics all ready to be transferred from Caleb's room to the nursery when we needed. We had a few things in the room "ready"- like the extra bouncer we needed with having multiple babies!- and the bath seat to help manage bathing two cherubs at once, caleb's old playpen and his baby clothes, blankets and all that jazz.

Those things are still sitting there. I can't take them out. I need to believe that we will get another chance at bringing home a real live baby. I know our boys wouldn't mind sharing their room at all- even though it will always be their room- the big room - the room we always knew would have children sharing- we just didn't expect God would bless us with 2 at once!!! It was meant for them- and that hurts like nothing else- I almost wish I'd put their name signs up on the door like I had for Caleb- so people could never forget the babes that were supposed to be filling that room . I was sooo looking forward to watching them grow up in that room together- I had designed in my head how we could make it look for them as they grew up.....

Their cupboards are another story altogether. Still full and overflowing with all the clothes bought and handed down for them. :-(
I found some really well cared for-still new looking clothes at a garage sale before we found out the boys were sick- and it was kinda the first and only time I "let myself go" buying stuff for them. This lady had so many clothes - lots of matching and similar outfits that would have been just PERFECT for twin boys. So ridiculously cute. I can't look at them. It just makes me feel mad and hurt and lost. I think I would like to keep some of them as reminders of Matthew and Joshua when I can face going through them. They all feel sacred but it wouldn't be particularly practical to keep them all. Not that we have any idea what the future holds for us child wise....(please God- no more twins. too hard. don't go there...)

I hadn't made up a cot- as we still had Caleb sleeping in it and we were going to wait until the twins were bigger before we bought another cot, I hadn't put new curtains on the windows- just couldn't afford it and it became a low priority compared to surviving and getting through those tough weeks when we realised how fragile our boys were. I couldn't go into their room for a long time but then we we eventually transitioned Caleb from cot to "big boy bed" there was no room for his change table so we put that in the boys' room. That helped me to adjust to using it again. Although once Caleb got into the cupboards and pulled out some of his baby shoes- and I was horrified- I so very nearly raved at him ( it was just a knee jerk reaction to someone touching my boys special things I wanted to give them) but knew he would have no clue as to what he'd done and didn't deserve mummy mad at him for just playing with some shoes. Poor love. What a crazy mummy.

I really identified with Sally when she said; " ...and like a complete idiot. I felt like the Universe was laughing at me. Why would I be so smug to assume my baby was coming home with us?"

I hear ya.

I felt silly having the extra bouncer, the extra everythings- all those gorgeous clothes-matching wellingtons even. I felt like a fool. I even felt like that after we found out the boys had gone to heaven- I had this huge belly- but my babies were dead. It was horrific walking around- feeling like a total fraud waiting for my crappy hospital appointment to deliver my babies- but not get to feed them or take them home all snug as a bug.

Sorry Sally- but I'm going to quote you again-!!...

"I figure I can't really jinx myself. I'm just being silly. Whether I buy clothes or not, or continue to decorate the room or not has no bearing on whether this boy will actually come home with us."
-TRUE. hmmm.
I have to get over this paranoia of not doing anything next time- if there is a next time- because I know ultimately it isn't going to mean I don't get to take home a baby just because I bought some clothes or baby gear. My heart may tell me differently...I would want them to know how loved and wanted they were regardless (which obviously isn't the only way to demonstrate that). I know we all cope differently and this is just where I'm at- I don't expect everyone to feel the same.

I am so thankful I DO have a healthy, happy and thriving 2 year old. I do count my blessings...but I'm hoping and praying God will give us another chance to parent another child. To have a child in THAT room. Fill that empty room Jesus please. I hate it empty. It is a hollow, (pracitcally) empty room- that YES- should have my boys in- but was made to hold little monkeys or little princesses. Matthew and Joshua- even though they never got the chance to enter that room- will always be there in spirit for me. Love you two.xx


Tina said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I don't think it is too late to add their names to the door, but that is just my opinion. I think when/if we do have another baby, I will have a representation of my girls in the nursery somewhere. I don't know if it will be a picture, their names, something painted...I don't know, but there will be some type of reminder of them. xx

Christy said...

Check out my blog--I nominated you for an Honest Scrap Award!

Laura said...

Thinking of you and hoping you will have another to fill that room soon! I had a blue butterfly that hung in that room until we moved- now it is in my daughter's room but the blue butterfly is my thing for my son and just having them in the rooms makes me happy.

Once A Mother said...

I am new to your blog... so very sorry that you have had to suffer so much loss. I know how hard it is to have that room still 'waiting'. You are in my thoughts

Sarah said...

I think I like the idea of still doing something in their room as a rememberance-thanks Tina.

I LOVE the butterfly idea Laura!

Kristin- you too are in my thoughts. thanks for visiting my blog xx

Steph said...

I also nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you for sharing your heart with me.

Franchesca Cox said...

Oh, I do pray that God fills that room with a perfect beautiful baby! Thank you for your kind words on my blog, xx