Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Am I making progress??

No idea. Am I??

I really feel weary. I wish there was a "switch off grief" button somewhere....and therein lies the problem. I KNOW it's now a part of my life forever ( don't get me wrong- I NEVER want to forget my boys) BUUUUUT....I really am struggling making all this my new kind of normal.

A very dear friend asked me how I was healing? And I LOVE that she asked...many haven't.
But I had no idea how to answer her really. Like I told my friend, I'm a bit all over the place.
The hardest thing to deal with lately seems to be that it's affecting ME- who I am- was- whatever.
I have lost interest in things I was previously passionate about. I doubt my abilties in everything like never before. I feel insecure like I haven't for a long time.

It just feels a bit like something is wrong with me- like I'm "melting" (hehehe- love that wizard of oz line) I'm losing who I was.

And maybe I'm just being melodramatic??
maybe I just need to get over myself?? ha. No idea.

ideas anyone?
Diagnosis insane??!

maybe it's a bit of a panic because so many more keep popping up with their wonderful news ( and it is so different when it's a baby lost mumma- really it is) but it feels like others are jumping the queue-pushing in....don't they realise it should be my turn- have they forgotten so soon those tiny people I brought into the world?

I guess life just sucks.
at the moment.


Tina said...

I couldn't agree more...sometimes life does just suck! I feel like losing my girls has changed every aspect of my life. I care more about somethings and less about others. I don't think there is anything wrong with us, we have just experienced a life altering event...the death of our beautiful babies...and it sucks! xx

Melissa said...

I agree.. I can't comprehend how we are suppose to get thru this and continue living life without our little babies. How can we?
It's not fair.

Tiffany said...

I pray for you endlessly Sarah. <3

Despite our current circumstances, I can't wait til we are taken to'll be able to hold your babies and Marie, Tara and I will get to meet our lost bubs also. If it's any consolation, I believe the grief you feel now will soon be overtaken by the most incredible feeling of love and happiness when we are reunited.

For now, just know it's difficult for us to gauge how to deal with your grief. Your boys are not forgotten by any means. I have the bookmark you made for them on my desk, look at it every day and pray for you, Jason, Caleb and the Matthew and Joshua <3

Sarah said...

thanks Tiff - I'm so stoked you see that reminder of our boys everyday!
I am more than happy to talk about Matthew and Joshua- please dont' feel you can't ask me things or talk to me about them! -that helps me to know they aren't forgotten. So many people hardly talk to me anymore- and definately don't dare mention my boys- and that hurts. NOT talking about them makes it seem like they never existed.
Please talk to me about as much as you care to- then you'll have an insight into how I am "grieving"... thanks for praying Tiff- I hope and pray everyday for you and your precious rainbow baby xx

For now, just know it's difficult for us to gauge how to deal with your grief. Your boys are not forgotten by any means. I have the

Heather said...

I have been feeling similarly lately. You are not insane, you are greiving. We know we are supposed to live our lives, but how do we do so when we feel dead inside? We no longer feel ourselves, because we are no longer our selves. We have been changed, and how could anyone not be by such a terrible loss. Dont be too hard on yourself, it s going to take time, and lots of it, Im afraid. Maybe you could start out by finding one thing you can do that makes you happy (as happy as possible, anyway). And just go from there, one step at a time.

Maxton's Mommy said...

I know some days I think I am doing better and the next I am in tears all over again. Hang in there. Made you something.


Sarah said...

sorry all- I am waaaay behind in blogging. thankyou all for commenting- sorry for my tardiness.

Thanks Tina- you're right- it just sucks. Period. Thanks for telling me how 'you' changed, I felt so at odds with myself.

It isn't fair, is it Melissa?! I guess we will get further down the road at some point and not realise at first- even if the road ahead seems all foggy now :-)

thanks Heather...this is grief- feel it all a bit like insanity at times!- but I do need to give myself a bit of a break- it will take time- which is hard for not a patient person!!!I
think I'd just like to have some rules/guidelines- how to do this! Know any??!

Ash- THANKYOU!!! that is so beautiful!!!!!!!! what a lovely way to record our precious ones names.... I love it :-)