Monday, July 13, 2009

early days...

I knew that the internet was vast and no doubt had more information than I'd ever need but STILL, I was blown away by the number of blogs and websites that exist to provide support for mums and dads who have lost little ones- whether they be miscarriages, stillbirths or other cicrumstances. When we lost Matthew and Joshua, in hospital we talked at one point to the chaplain there. My heart forgot my own pain somewhat when I realised how busy this lady's days usually were. Busy for a maternity hospital chaplain means so many other parents were/are/have experienced the enormous loss like we have. I was devastated to realise that so many were hurting, so often. This is when those "Why God, why?" questions come out.

Once we were home from Perth, a dear, dear friend in the states recommended I check out Carly's website, "Names in the Sand" as she knew it had helped a friend of hers. Wow.....God could not have directed me toward a more beautiful person....I kept going back and back and back to Carly's site and her various blogs. I was moved to tears-ok sobs, on more than one occasion seeing all these beautiful children's names in the sand, and reading various people's sotries. This beautiful woman gave me hope, that I would survive this and God still had a wonderful future ahead of me. In hospital I just wanted life to disappear, I wanted to disappear, why did I have to outlive my baby boys?! Through Carly's ministries, I felt inspired to step out and tell my story. God gave me some beautiful visions of how I could glorify him through my pain....I wanted to give Carly and enormous hug and cry on her shoulder and tell her- "I'm in, I will survive this, I will help others too...somehow." I felt like I was joining an army or some important crusade-hehe. It was an important moment for me and gave me courage to keep going.

I too decided I wanted to put together a video for our boys and found some beautiful songs and poems etc on Carly's pages and on others' blogs too.

Future pregnancies are going to be the test of all tests for me.....right now there are so many mixed emotions and I don't know if I'll ever feel courageous enough to attempt another one- as much as I want to. I don't know how to do it anymore, I don't know how to emotionally prepare for another child after losing our boys and our other angel last year. How do you do it Carly?! I'm so scared.