"The Shack"

I've just started reading a book titled " The Shack" by WM. Paul Young.

This is an excerpt fromt the book that really speaks to where I feel I'm at at the moment- and yet after reading that quote- I know that's just how I feel, NOT how I AM. hehe-no, not a riddle- here, have a read!

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. "I feel so lost."
A hand reached out and squeezed his and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly; you are not lost."

perspective....that's all I can say.

aches and pains

I don't really know how to approach this post to be honest. I guess until now my posts have been well thought out and written when I'm feeling quite together.

I am NOT feeling at all together at the moment.

Life feels hard, unfair and really, really crap.

I need to know when the joy comes back- does it?! I feel so fed up and sad and jealous- why can't it be us announcing our babies' births?! I probably shouldn't be writing right now- because I am hurting so- and might lash out in pain and offend someone else when that is NOT what I want to do at all.

I am starting to feel swallowed by it all.
sorry this is a 'woe is me' post.
I am blessed to have so many who love me and support Jason and I through all the trials. Focus on the good stuff Sarah, focus on the good.

My throat is hurting - you know that kinda pain that restricts your throat when your heart is feeling sad?

Thank God for this little cherub- who-even though he drives me up the wall sometimes- brings so much love, joy and laughter into my world at the same time. He is the sweetest, most caring, affectionate little soul...God knew I needed this boy xx

Commenting should work again!

Hi all!

Seem to have fixed the not being able to comment problem- not sure why that happened all of the sudden but here's hoping it won't happen again! Comment away friends :-)

xx

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

OUR BEAUTIFUL TWIN BOYS NAMES' IN THE SAND; TAKEN BY CARLY MARIE DUDLEY. WE PLAN TO FRAME THESE PICS TO PUT WITH THEIR BIRTH CERTIFICATES SO THEY WILL ALWAYS BE VISIBLE TO US AND NEVER FORGOTTEN. MISSING THEM EVERYDAY, OUR PRECIOUS LITTLE MEN. WE CAN ONLY IMAGINE WHAT OUR LIVES WOULD BE WITH YOU BOTH HERE. SEE YOU WHEN WE GET TO HEAVEN MY DARLINGS.XX

early days...

I knew that the internet was vast and no doubt had more information than I'd ever need but STILL, I was blown away by the number of blogs and websites that exist to provide support for mums and dads who have lost little ones- whether they be miscarriages, stillbirths or other cicrumstances. When we lost Matthew and Joshua, in hospital we talked at one point to the chaplain there. My heart forgot my own pain somewhat when I realised how busy this lady's days usually were. Busy for a maternity hospital chaplain means so many other parents were/are/have experienced the enormous loss like we have. I was devastated to realise that so many were hurting, so often. This is when those "Why God, why?" questions come out.

Once we were home from Perth, a dear, dear friend in the states recommended I check out Carly's website, "Names in the Sand" as she knew it had helped a friend of hers. Wow.....God could not have directed me toward a more beautiful person....I kept going back and back and back to Carly's site and her various blogs. I was moved to tears-ok sobs, on more than one occasion seeing all these beautiful children's names in the sand, and reading various people's sotries. This beautiful woman gave me hope, that I would survive this and God still had a wonderful future ahead of me. In hospital I just wanted life to disappear, I wanted to disappear, why did I have to outlive my baby boys?! Through Carly's ministries, I felt inspired to step out and tell my story. God gave me some beautiful visions of how I could glorify him through my pain....I wanted to give Carly and enormous hug and cry on her shoulder and tell her- "I'm in, I will survive this, I will help others too...somehow." I felt like I was joining an army or some important crusade-hehe. It was an important moment for me and gave me courage to keep going.

I too decided I wanted to put together a video for our boys and found some beautiful songs and poems etc on Carly's pages and on others' blogs too.

Future pregnancies are going to be the test of all tests for me.....right now there are so many mixed emotions and I don't know if I'll ever feel courageous enough to attempt another one- as much as I want to. I don't know how to do it anymore, I don't know how to emotionally prepare for another child after losing our boys and our other angel last year. How do you do it Carly?! I'm so scared.

Names in the Sand pictures- taken by Carly

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/07/matthew-james-and-joshua-thomas.html