I feel like I am losing touch of reality -whatever the hell that is- somehow- like I'm "living" two parallel lives.
I told DH last night that I wasn't coping. He was relieved I was telling him. He asked what he could do to help- and the only thing I could think of to say was "drown me". I know- what an awful, selfish thing to say. I guess I just feel like I'm drowning. He suggested what I talk about in this next paragraph...
Confession.
I have a huge fear of going to " see" someone. You know- someone (whispers- counsellor) like that means I am really actually losing my marbles. What if they throw me in the loony bin? Surely I can cope with this without that kind of "help". It just seems to have negative connotations for me for some reason.
I am hanging out to have another baby- not to replace what I've lost-that's impossible.
But at the same time it terrifies me, I'm scared it won't work again, scared that if I lose another baby I'll truly end up in the nut house. 3's enough right? too many more like it.
Told DH we need private cover-don't know how we can afford that- it's going to have to be miraculous that we can!!- I can;t do another pregnancy without it. First time perfect pregnancy and perfect ALIVE baby- not so naive anymore. Annoying as hell that is.
ha- can you tell I'm angry?- bad words are threatening to over take my writing.
I thought it was supposed to ge easier, not harder.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
help
Posted by Sarah at Wednesday, September 02, 2009 13 comments
Labels: insanity
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Honest Scrap Award
Christy from A Piece of the Pearsons and
Steph from The New normal
have both nominated me for the "Honest Scrap Award"- for which I am truly humbled and honoured! Really! That people can understand AND appreciate my thoughts is amazing!! Thanks girls :-) I have gained so much from reading their blogs and many others out there- what a blessing it is to have such amazing support. Thanks for every person that comments- it's special having so many care so much
Fiona at : Remembering Bailey
Sally at : Tuesday's Hope
mb at: 3 Pairs of Feet
Catherine at: Between the Snow and The Huge Roses
Barbara at: Letters to my lost son
Danielle at : Letting Go and Letting God
Laura at: Moments of Pause
1. I love to scrap...but rarely seem find the time these days :-( my son is now 2 and I haven't finished his "1st year album"! It did take me a few years to do my wedding album... *sigh*
boring list me thinks. Time restraints??! or I'm just boring...I think the latter!! haha
Posted by Sarah at Tuesday, September 01, 2009 10 comments
Labels: Honest scrap award
Am I making progress??
No idea. Am I??
I really feel weary. I wish there was a "switch off grief" button somewhere....and therein lies the problem. I KNOW it's now a part of my life forever ( don't get me wrong- I NEVER want to forget my boys) BUUUUUT....I really am struggling making all this my new kind of normal.
A very dear friend asked me how I was healing? And I LOVE that she asked...many haven't.
But I had no idea how to answer her really. Like I told my friend, I'm a bit all over the place.
The hardest thing to deal with lately seems to be that it's affecting ME- who I am- was- whatever.
I have lost interest in things I was previously passionate about. I doubt my abilties in everything like never before. I feel insecure like I haven't for a long time.
It just feels a bit like something is wrong with me- like I'm "melting" (hehehe- love that wizard of oz line)...like I'm losing who I was.
And maybe I'm just being melodramatic??
maybe I just need to get over myself?? ha. No idea.
ideas anyone?
Diagnosis insane??!
maybe it's a bit of a panic because so many more keep popping up with their wonderful news ( and it is so different when it's a baby lost mumma- really it is) but it feels like others are jumping the queue-pushing in....don't they realise it should be my turn- have they forgotten so soon those tiny people I brought into the world?
I guess life just sucks.
sometimes.
at the moment.
Posted by Sarah at Tuesday, September 01, 2009 7 comments
Labels: frustration, insanity