Seasons of life....Bring The Rain Lord- I'm ready for a new one!

2009.

Well. I wasn't that impressed with 2009. Many weren't. Some were but I'll get to that in a minute.
I really started to wonder if I would hear the trumpets in heaven going off...things were going to pieces EVERYWHERE.

Right up until the final days of December there was heartache and loss for people in my wider circle of acquaintances. I had prior to that allowed my faith to blossom ever so slightly and belive that good things do happen too and then to hear the news of 3 more precious babes taken to heaven was almost too much to bare. I was fairly peeved with God to say the least.
In the part of me that knows and accepts (somewhat) reality- I realise things like this-and worse, happen more frequently than I ever realised before my innocence was snatched away. But I would never wish my eperiences of losing 3 of my precious and much wanted children on my worst enemies-not that I really have those- but you know what I mean! I mean- surely I had suffered enough for everyone??

Two beautiful baby girls went to be with Jesus on the 13th of December, 2009. They were born on the 12th of December, 2009. And I am guttered for that couple. Their families. Their friends. Because I know the road that they are now travelling...and it is hard. Their close friends- my husband's extended family...suffered the loss of twins TWICE last year.

Then I heard that a special lady I met through my old school suffered an agonising loss. The loss of her much prayed for and wanted first son. 38 wks. Her precious son was born sleeping on the 28th of November, 2009.

I am asking a lot of hard questions- I know many of you would have asked many of the same ones at some point in time on your own journey, so I won't be tedious and relay all of my frustrations. I just want a break- and not just for me- but for SO MANY I know. I want the special niece of good friends to be free of cancer this year....I want Jason's aunt to not be dying of cancer, I want my friends who are expecting to have healthy babies, I want my own healthy, ALIVE baby this year, I wish my boys had of been here for their first christmas, I wish I knew them more- I ache to know them- really KNOW them - like I know my precious first born son.
I want this year to be free of stillbirth and miscarriage- even though I know it won't be. I just want it all to stop being so crap and to have more joy than sorrow in 2010.

And yet for some- 2009 was a year of hope. Of blessings and promises fulfilled. New lives brought to pass and families created and multiplied. I think of precious Ocea born to Carly and Sam just before christmas....what wonderful news- what a massive relief to hear of a baby making it safely into this world. The news of her arrival was of such joy to me- such hope. I think of my lovely friend, Laura, who welcomed her beautiful baby boy, Sean into this world , Of Sally and her precious Angus.

These babes and their wonderful mumma's.... are the hope I am clinging onto for 2010. I will not give up. I have to believe this will come again for us.

I am not setting new years resolutions-pffft. Who really follows those through anyway??
I do aim to maintain things I achieved in these last 6 mths. Like losing a disgusting amount of weight. Soooo embarrassed it was all there to lose. But 20 odd kg later- I feel somewhat like "me" again. I have a whole new/old wardrobe....very exciting! I have stacks more energy and have been motivated through it all by my precious, brave little guys- Matthew and Joshua- to grab my life back. I did it boys!!! I got to my goal weight- I chased after a dream- that-lets face it, probably would never have happened had you been here occupying my time. (which obviously I would trade in a heatbeat to have you both here....not even a heatbeat...) . I have rediscovered my drive and ambition and have learnt a lot this year. Being the perfectionist I am, there is a lot I wish I had of done still, and/or done better- my study is still not "business ready"...but hubby is working on the re-design.....and a lot more ....but things ARE happening and that's always exciting.

As I look back on 2009- I am thankful for new friendships made, for old ones deepened, for our amazing families who have loved and cherished us so beautifully these past months and have hurt right alongside us. I am thankful for those that have encouraged me on this journey and for those that continue to walk with me into this new and yet unknown year.

I pray it's a blessed one for you all....

Secret Garden Meeting- October

This meeting we would like to talk about where you are. Where are you at in your grief? Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling? How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?

Firstly I will admit, I avoided this meeting last month. It was an "angry" and a "disheartened" phase and I just wasn't "in the mood" (haha-oh how liberally we use that phrase!!).
I feel like the waters of this journey have been particularly choppy again.

More accurately- things have built up and exploded in spectacular fashion , built up again and settled (currently I am in a dormant stage of activity but be warned....I could errupt at any moment, with little notice).

I am sorry if I don't follow any particular flow here- but since waiting to write just the "right thing" and in the "right way" has stopped me recently- I am just boldly going forth with my dribble and hoping it comes out reasonably!!

Back to the Volcano analogy.

We had a funeral a mth?? or so back. I had not anticipated it would send me as troppo as I think it did. Although, I was a bit of a "snappy tom" leading up to the event (which should have given me some warning I was in a bit of a meltdown). For the person who passed on from this Earth- it was no doubt a blessing, being freed from her many ailments and issues but it brought a whole lot up to the surface for me and indeed it was not "well with my soul" (a well known song, written by a guy that lost his ENTIRE family). I had sung this very song at my own sons' memorial service- and somehow I could sing it, I believed it, God certainly was holding me rather tightly at that time. This last time, I was actually shaking my head "no"...."not it's not well with my soul-AT ALL". I guess it was a bit of fairly hot anger directed at God. I thought nasty words. I was MAD. oh-yes-that's right-again. And my anger wasn't so much as a result of this lady's passing but at the frustration and hurt, that my precious twin boys were not there with us. That people weren't clambering for a cuddles and goo-ing and gaa-ing. Selfish girl I am.

All that meant I had a really "interesting" month, leading up to and after the 'event'. Lots of yo-yo emotions and feeling lost. In transit. Torn between this life and the next. I know Jason and Caleb need me- and I need them- and yet I need my other sons-with every fibre of my being- but they don't really need me where they are. And yet I want to be with them too. NO- correction- I want us all to be together. It's really not fair.

I wish that ache of hearing about other people's (ALIVE) twins would go away. To be honest, I wish I didn't have to hear about other twins that are in real life existence. Dammit- I wanted to experience being a mummy of twins.

I guess there is progress as far as moving through this grief. I can hold other babies. I LOVE staring at them and drinking in their absolute beauty. I LOVE holding them and rocking them, I possibly feel like keeping one or two...but I CRAVE my own baby. Caleb craves a baby to love, he just adores babies. Poor love. He'd be a fabulous big brother.

With all the hoo-ha of this drama that has been our lives this year....we realised for my sanity and comfort, that we would get private health cover. I wasn't entirely happy with my GP in my pregnancy with the twins. He was so laidback about it all and I being new to this Multiple thing was just about hitting the ceiling with my constant thoughts and questions about twins. Anyway- I don't want to go into all that. For the most part, he is a great DR, having seen me through my pregnancy with Caleb and subsequent miscarriage. He came to my door PERSONALLY to offer his condolences and give me my boys' ashes. But I have digressed.....

We got our private health cover sorted- thanks mostly in part to some VERY generous friends, you know who you are, and it gave me a focus. For the first time in months I could breathe....relax and take time to get myself a bit more "sorted". I had goals. I had time to achieve them without fretting (like I was previous to this decision) about the right time to try again, and worrying about whether it would all hit the fan again. I have suceeded in losing BULK weight-YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! What a burden that had become. I am almost back to my normal weight-praise God for that! I feel almost ready to jump on this wagon again....and then the anxiety hits.
I can feel it in my shoulders and my gut is churning most days at some point just thinking about it.

The problem being I am desperate for a baby. Totally, totally wanting another baby. I can't for now- we have to make sure we wait at least until our 3 mth waiting period for our health cover is up. Which in itself is ok. But I think as it gets closer the nerves are having a good old rattle.
I know it is NOT a good way to think, but I really doubt it all working again for me. I have entirely lost faith that this pregnancy thing works. I am a shattered woman. So as much as I want to be pregnant again and want another baby- I am dreading losing another child. I could not survive it again I don't think- and I swear God-if you test me on that.......
I know I shouldn't be thinking already it will end badly. I wish I could turn my thinking around, I really do. It's not that I doubt it working for others- although that too has become much harder. I guess I am just panicking that this is my lot in life. That I won't ever be blessed with another living child. I have been positive about this...it's only recently I realised- and probably as the anxiety has increased, that I am finding it harder and harder to believe I may get another chance to be a mum. I worry that siblings/siblings-in-law will progres onto other pregnancies and get their babies and that I won't. I truly am panicking that I will likely be pregnant at the same time but yet not get a baby at the 'end'- but of course that they will.

Breathe. I wanted an easier season after this one. Seems it's not my turn yet. (insert bad word here).

My word....has it only been 5 months? Good grief, it feels like a lifetime. And in part, I guess I am feeling that because I have lost a lifetime with my twin sons. Exhausting thing it is, this grief.

I just want a little peek into the future...just a little one. What's in store for me God???

Significance of today

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
There is a very long list toward the end of this post. How I wish I was reading all about these babies' milestones instead of how much pain their families are in.

Most of us in this little blog world, know this.
I wish it would all stop. It sucks. Big time.
I posted the Video from the Stillbirth Foundation on Facebook too. Not to make people feel bad or awkward but to get them to open their eyes to things that go on around them. That the world is not a perfect place, in fact it is one where many die and suffer every year. An equally large number of babies die every year as well as all the more common causes of death for adults etc. But how many recognise that?

This video is from the Stillbirth Foundation in Australia. It is hard to watch...I recognise the pain in many of those faces. If only it could have been so different for all of us.
I couldn't figure out how to get the actual video in the post- I'm feeling way too frazzled and emotional to keep trying, but please follow the link and have a look. You may recognise Sally, from Tuesday's Hope...Hope's picture is labelled with her name. She is pictured with her Mummy and her Daddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Vuvm3uVT8E

I join with Sally and all of you other amazing women as tonight (at 7pm), we light a candle- or in our case 2- for our precious ones that are no longer with us. My heart is breaking today for all of us.

In honour and rememberance of my beautiful twin boys....you are always in our hearts. We miss you more than we can say. much love always, Mummy xx


All of the little baby friends Matthew and Joshua are playing with up in heaven...

And I know there a many more out there....I tried to include as many as I could remember from my wonderful blogging community and IRL also. If I have forgotten anyone, please, please add them to the list in a comment and I will edit my post. All of our babies are important and never, ever forgotten. I have added names to the top of the list that Sally started.

Matthew & Joshua
Andrew (Doran)
Baby E (Doran)
Aubrey & Ellie
Bailey
Chase
Wyatt
Baby Mitchell
Baby Carr
Baby Griffiths
Baby Gethin
Baby Mallin
Bridgitte & Ashlyn
Tyler & Maddy
Hudson
Gavin & Parker
Baby Hutchison (Tina , I hope you don't mind me adding this to the list :-)
Vivian & Annemarie
Bryce
Carleigh
Emma & Chase
Suz's 2 angels
Mackenzie
Magnus
Jasper
Adison & Lillian.
Jordan Daniel
Jenna Belle
Maxton
Phineas
Elijah
Jett

Christian
Lucia
Iris
Ezra
Cayden
Jordan
Silas
Lev
Sam
Tikva
Alice
George
Teddy
Cameron
Henry
Harry
Charlotte
Jacob
Hannah
Callum
Serenity
Caleb
Maddy
Malou
Ciaran
Georgina
Emma
Collin
Zachery
Finn
Ferdinand
Sienna
Angel
Fionn
A.
William
Malina
Lachlan
Abigail
Mackenzie
Sky
Rose
Sophie
Peyton
Rory
Nicholas
Curtis
Kara
Birdie
Leila
Leyla
Noah
Maya
Baker
Akul
Calvin
Spencer
Isla
Josie
Jack
Colden
Zoe
Ashlyn
Caitlin
Alexander
Lucy
Avery & Sophie
Sophie & Aiden
Sophia & Ellie
Sophia & Nicholas

MAD

I can't seem to write anything that makes sense..... I only have to read a sentence or two from some blog posts to feel like I am shaking and fighting back sobs.

I want to write. But nothing comes out right. Or it doesn't say what I want it to.

I am reading some of my regular blogs again but I guess my heart is not ready to contribute to the group ....yet. Bear with me.

I am still mad. Mad that MY boys had to get stupid TTTS, MAD that I didn't get to bring them home....alive, MAD that other people are having twins and they both survive, MAD ( and BARFING) at people that seem to be planning to be pregnant at the same time and will probably end up with healthy , beautiful babies, MAD that is now now waaaaay past SEPTEMBER and I am not overcome with tiredness and dealing with 3 under 3, MAD that my due date passed with not a whisper from ANYONE. That's right, ANYONE.
MAD that I don't feel the same joy I use to when others announced their news. Instead I roll my eyes, or just ignore, or cry silently, or secretely dislike them a lot, or just indifferent. I feel jealous instead. What fun. Will I ever be the same person again who can squeal with delight at someone's news?

Don't get me wrong- I don't want to wish this pain on others. I just want MY TURN.
I am MAD that I'm not naive, and that I know how many squillions of things that can go wrong with pregnancy and babies. I'm MAD that I won't feel completely relaxed about the next one- God willing- until they are safe- home in their crib. And even then.....I read in the paper on Sunday about an olympic swimmer who lost his 2 yr old son....just days before he was to turn 2??? I'm guessing it was SIDS, the paper didn't say. My DH tells me not to read these things, or watch things like that on TV....but there I was soaking up every detail of that article, trying to hold myself together. Why are their little lives threatened so???? Why can't they just be? Give me their suffering anyday. That children should suffer and die just smashes my crappy little broken heart to pieces, yet again.

I still just want it all to "go away". I want my twin boys to be wearing the cute, matching clothes I bought for them, or the wellington boots I found at a garage sale. What the heck do I do with them now??? Caleb wore one pair for a bit- but they are tight on his little feet now. Do I keep them?? Will God give us more babies or not?? are we to be forever a family of 3 alive and 3 in heaven???

help

I feel like I am losing touch of reality -whatever the hell that is- somehow- like I'm "living" two parallel lives.

I told DH last night that I wasn't coping. He was relieved I was telling him. He asked what he could do to help- and the only thing I could think of to say was "drown me". I know- what an awful, selfish thing to say. I guess I just feel like I'm drowning. He suggested what I talk about in this next paragraph...

Confession.
I have a huge fear of going to " see" someone. You know- someone (whispers- counsellor) like that means I am really actually losing my marbles. What if they throw me in the loony bin? Surely I can cope with this without that kind of "help". It just seems to have negative connotations for me for some reason.

I am hanging out to have another baby- not to replace what I've lost-that's impossible.
But at the same time it terrifies me, I'm scared it won't work again, scared that if I lose another baby I'll truly end up in the nut house. 3's enough right? too many more like it.

Told DH we need private cover-don't know how we can afford that- it's going to have to be miraculous that we can!!- I can;t do another pregnancy without it. First time perfect pregnancy and perfect ALIVE baby- not so naive anymore. Annoying as hell that is.

ha- can you tell I'm angry?- bad words are threatening to over take my writing.
I thought it was supposed to ge easier, not harder.

Honest Scrap Award

Christy from A Piece of the Pearsons and
Steph from The New normal

have both nominated me for the "Honest Scrap Award"- for which I am truly humbled and honoured! Really! That people can understand AND appreciate my thoughts is amazing!! Thanks girls :-) I have gained so much from reading their blogs and many others out there- what a blessing it is to have such amazing support. Thanks for every person that comments- it's special having so many care so much

This award is for bloggers who write honestly from their heart, from the depth of their soul. There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers:

Fiona at : Remembering Bailey
Sally at : Tuesday's Hope
mb at: 3 Pairs of Feet
Catherine at: Between the Snow and The Huge Roses
Barbara at: Letters to my lost son
Danielle at : Letting Go and Letting God
Laura at: Moments of Pause

Ten honest things about me . . .

1. I love to scrap...but rarely seem find the time these days :-( my son is now 2 and I haven't finished his "1st year album"! It did take me a few years to do my wedding album... *sigh*

2. I am chasing after one dream of having my own business doing something I love....making handcrafted invitations/thankyou cards/birth announcements/ memorial momento's..etc etc

3. I am a trained primary school teacher and have loved teaching at my local christian school but have lots of other passions too

4. I am trying to lose massive amounts of weight- again :-((( sucks putting on weight for a baby or in our case babieS and not getting the babies to keep.

5. I have a serious addiction to hot chips- ok alright-particularly HOT chips but it is a favourite vegetable so anything "potatoey" is a hit! Why does my body not suit carbs so well???

6. I adore my husband and son !

7. Love to bake but due to point 4- don't get to that often- otherwise I just eat it !!

8. Love watching movies all rugged up on wintery days

9. I love hanging out with friends and doing crafty pursuits

10. I desperately wanted my son to be a big brother by his second birthday- and have them around to love.

boring list me thinks. Time restraints??! or I'm just boring...I think the latter!! haha

Am I making progress??

No idea. Am I??

I really feel weary. I wish there was a "switch off grief" button somewhere....and therein lies the problem. I KNOW it's now a part of my life forever ( don't get me wrong- I NEVER want to forget my boys) BUUUUUT....I really am struggling making all this my new kind of normal.

A very dear friend asked me how I was healing? And I LOVE that she asked...many haven't.
But I had no idea how to answer her really. Like I told my friend, I'm a bit all over the place.
The hardest thing to deal with lately seems to be that it's affecting ME- who I am- was- whatever.
I have lost interest in things I was previously passionate about. I doubt my abilties in everything like never before. I feel insecure like I haven't for a long time.

It just feels a bit like something is wrong with me- like I'm "melting" (hehehe- love that wizard of oz line)...like I'm losing who I was.

And maybe I'm just being melodramatic??
maybe I just need to get over myself?? ha. No idea.

ideas anyone?
Diagnosis insane??!

maybe it's a bit of a panic because so many more keep popping up with their wonderful news ( and it is so different when it's a baby lost mumma- really it is) but it feels like others are jumping the queue-pushing in....don't they realise it should be my turn- have they forgotten so soon those tiny people I brought into the world?

I guess life just sucks.
sometimes.
at the moment.