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Sunday, January 3, 2010

Seasons of life....Bring The Rain Lord- I'm ready for a new one!

2009.

Well. I wasn't that impressed with 2009. Many weren't. Some were but I'll get to that in a minute.
I really started to wonder if I would hear the trumpets in heaven going off...things were going to pieces EVERYWHERE.

Right up until the final days of December there was heartache and loss for people in my wider circle of acquaintances. I had prior to that allowed my faith to blossom ever so slightly and belive that good things do happen too and then to hear the news of 3 more precious babes taken to heaven was almost too much to bare. I was fairly peeved with God to say the least.
In the part of me that knows and accepts (somewhat) reality- I realise things like this-and worse, happen more frequently than I ever realised before my innocence was snatched away. But I would never wish my eperiences of losing 3 of my precious and much wanted children on my worst enemies-not that I really have those- but you know what I mean! I mean- surely I had suffered enough for everyone??

Two beautiful baby girls went to be with Jesus on the 13th of December, 2009. They were born on the 12th of December, 2009. And I am guttered for that couple. Their families. Their friends. Because I know the road that they are now travelling...and it is hard. Their close friends- my husband's extended family...suffered the loss of twins TWICE last year.

Then I heard that a special lady I met through my old school suffered an agonising loss. The loss of her much prayed for and wanted first son. 38 wks. Her precious son was born sleeping on the 28th of November, 2009.

I am asking a lot of hard questions- I know many of you would have asked many of the same ones at some point in time on your own journey, so I won't be tedious and relay all of my frustrations. I just want a break- and not just for me- but for SO MANY I know. I want the special niece of good friends to be free of cancer this year....I want Jason's aunt to not be dying of cancer, I want my friends who are expecting to have healthy babies, I want my own healthy, ALIVE baby this year, I wish my boys had of been here for their first christmas, I wish I knew them more- I ache to know them- really KNOW them - like I know my precious first born son.
I want this year to be free of stillbirth and miscarriage- even though I know it won't be. I just want it all to stop being so crap and to have more joy than sorrow in 2010.

And yet for some- 2009 was a year of hope. Of blessings and promises fulfilled. New lives brought to pass and families created and multiplied. I think of precious Ocea born to Carly and Sam just before christmas....what wonderful news- what a massive relief to hear of a baby making it safely into this world. The news of her arrival was of such joy to me- such hope. I think of my lovely friend, Laura, who welcomed her beautiful baby boy, Sean into this world , Of Sally and her precious Angus.

These babes and their wonderful mumma's.... are the hope I am clinging onto for 2010. I will not give up. I have to believe this will come again for us.

I am not setting new years resolutions-pffft. Who really follows those through anyway??
I do aim to maintain things I achieved in these last 6 mths. Like losing a disgusting amount of weight. Soooo embarrassed it was all there to lose. But 20 odd kg later- I feel somewhat like "me" again. I have a whole new/old wardrobe....very exciting! I have stacks more energy and have been motivated through it all by my precious, brave little guys- Matthew and Joshua- to grab my life back. I did it boys!!! I got to my goal weight- I chased after a dream- that-lets face it, probably would never have happened had you been here occupying my time. (which obviously I would trade in a heatbeat to have you both here....not even a heatbeat...) . I have rediscovered my drive and ambition and have learnt a lot this year. Being the perfectionist I am, there is a lot I wish I had of done still, and/or done better- my study is still not "business ready"...but hubby is working on the re-design.....and a lot more ....but things ARE happening and that's always exciting.

As I look back on 2009- I am thankful for new friendships made, for old ones deepened, for our amazing families who have loved and cherished us so beautifully these past months and have hurt right alongside us. I am thankful for those that have encouraged me on this journey and for those that continue to walk with me into this new and yet unknown year.

I pray it's a blessed one for you all....

13 comments:

Seraphim said...

Beautiful post. Let's embrace 2010. I can't imagine your heartache so hugs and hope for the future xxx

Holly said...

Yes, 2009 did bring some great hope to some families. And their hope can give me hope of the same thing.

Faulconbridge Mallins said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Faulconbridge Mallins said...

Sarah - thank you for bearing your heart and soul in this post - it is a blessing and encouragement to me.

I am praying for you - that God will bless you with an amazingly positive year, filled with love and joy, and that God will grant you the desires of your heart.

I cant help but think of the Prayer of Jabez (am re-reading that book at the moment) and am reminded of the first line of his prayer: "Oh that you would bless me indeed". We (myself included) must try to remind ourselves that it is ok to pray for God's rich and abundant blessing in our lives :)

Hugs & Kisses
xo

PS. I deleted the last comment as I found some typo's lol.

Catherine W said...

Oh Sarah. I'm so sorry to hear that the end of the year was such a painful time. I'm so sorry to read of the loss of your friend's sweet twin girls and your school friend's precious son. Life can be so cruel.

It was lovely to read about all the beautiful children that have arrived safely here this year too. They bring us all here so much hope.

Here's to 2010! May it bring us all much peace and happiness. xo

Fiona said...

Hi Sarah,

I'm so sorry to hear of the news of people close to you losing their babies.

I'm praying that 2010 is a great year for all of us (I'm praying that you get to introduce into the world a brother or sister or more for Caleb), even though I'm having my own difficulties understanding why God gives and takes.

Thinking of you lots.
Fiona
xxx

Laura said...

I am so thankful for YOU and this friendship- thanks to our angels- that stretches an ocean!

As you know I'm a bit further out from losing my babes- and I wanted to share with you what my 'first' year was like...
My Father-in-law was diagnosed with cancer one month prior to the boys being born (and Andrew dying)-My mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer a month after. My Father-in-law died before the year was out, my sister in law (in her early 30s) was also battling cancer with three young children at home.
Was our faith tested? Absoluletly! Was I peeved at God? You bet I was! I remember yelling at him and screaming why? Watching my FIL die a slow painful death- my husband go through all of this the way he did- (ugh)- but brighter days came (and will for you too!) Our family did grow- as did my family of friends. The only problem with caring for so many (as YOU do) is with more people comes more probability for sorrow. My friend who lost her daughter had two near her suffer loss- I wish I knew why any of this had to happen? When I get to heaven perhaps it will be my first question-
Until then- look forward! learn from the past! Know that brighter days and miracles are ahead for you dear friend!
Love you!
Laura

Lisa said...

Hello, It is Lisa from Jasper, Forever our first born. I wanted to let
you know that I wrote your angels name and took some pictures and wanted
to give them to you. I am doing this for all the angels on the blogs that
I follow. Here is the link. I hope you like them.
http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/2010/02/matthew-and-joshua.html

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Anonymous said...

Sarah-we are missing you in the blog world are you doing ok?

Sarah said...

Thankyou "anonymous"- it was very touching to know that someone noticed my absence here and thought to ask after me-so again- thanks.

I am 26.5 wks into a pregnancy which-after losing the twins last year has meant that this time around was a very different experience for me. I had planned to blog the journey....but just haven't had the drive/emotional energy. But I still might....we're not at the end of the road yet.
xx

Sarah-we are missing you in the blog world are you doing ok?

June 17, 2010 8:2

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah

Congratulations! What wonderful news! I understand how you must be feeling, It would be so lovely to blog the end of your pregnancy a special record for your bubba to read in years to come. You are a great writer ! I follow your blog and many others and never comment but I just wanted you to know that you had been missed. Glad your okay and i hope to read more about your expanding family in months ahead! God bless you and your family

Jayne (AKA Anonymous)

Holly Haas said...

It's been a long while since you wrote. Thinking of your boys today. Hoping you are doing well!