Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I feel like I am losing touch of reality -whatever the hell that is- somehow- like I'm "living" two parallel lives.

I told DH last night that I wasn't coping. He was relieved I was telling him. He asked what he could do to help- and the only thing I could think of to say was "drown me". I know- what an awful, selfish thing to say. I guess I just feel like I'm drowning. He suggested what I talk about in this next paragraph...

I have a huge fear of going to " see" someone. You know- someone (whispers- counsellor) like that means I am really actually losing my marbles. What if they throw me in the loony bin? Surely I can cope with this without that kind of "help". It just seems to have negative connotations for me for some reason.

I am hanging out to have another baby- not to replace what I've lost-that's impossible.
But at the same time it terrifies me, I'm scared it won't work again, scared that if I lose another baby I'll truly end up in the nut house. 3's enough right? too many more like it.

Told DH we need private cover-don't know how we can afford that- it's going to have to be miraculous that we can!!- I can;t do another pregnancy without it. First time perfect pregnancy and perfect ALIVE baby- not so naive anymore. Annoying as hell that is.

ha- can you tell I'm angry?- bad words are threatening to over take my writing.
I thought it was supposed to ge easier, not harder.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

Christy from A Piece of the Pearsons and
Steph from The New normal

have both nominated me for the "Honest Scrap Award"- for which I am truly humbled and honoured! Really! That people can understand AND appreciate my thoughts is amazing!! Thanks girls :-) I have gained so much from reading their blogs and many others out there- what a blessing it is to have such amazing support. Thanks for every person that comments- it's special having so many care so much

This award is for bloggers who write honestly from their heart, from the depth of their soul. There are some simple rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.
SO, I pass on the Honest Scrap award to the following bloggers:
Ten honest things about me . . .

1. I love to scrap...but rarely seem find the time these days :-( my son is now 2 and I haven't finished his "1st year album"! It did take me a few years to do my wedding album... *sigh*
2. I am chasing after one dream of having my own business doing something I love....making handcrafted invitations/thankyou cards/birth announcements/ memorial momento's..etc etc
3. I am a trained primary school teacher and have loved teaching at my local christian school but have lots of other passions too
4. I am trying to lose massive amounts of weight- again :-((( sucks putting on weight for a baby or in our case babieS and not getting the babies to keep.
5. I have a serious addiction to hot chips- ok alright-particularly HOT chips but it is a favourite vegetable so anything "potatoey" is a hit! Why does my body not suit carbs so well???
6. I adore my husband and son !
7. Love to bake but due to point 4- don't get to that often- otherwise I just eat it !!
8. Love watching movies all rugged up on wintery days
9. I love hanging out with friends and doing crafty pursuits
10. I desperately wanted my son to be a big brother by his second birthday- and have them around to love.

boring list me thinks. Time restraints??! or I'm just boring...I think the latter!! haha

Am I making progress??

No idea. Am I??

I really feel weary. I wish there was a "switch off grief" button somewhere....and therein lies the problem. I KNOW it's now a part of my life forever ( don't get me wrong- I NEVER want to forget my boys) BUUUUUT....I really am struggling making all this my new kind of normal.

A very dear friend asked me how I was healing? And I LOVE that she asked...many haven't.
But I had no idea how to answer her really. Like I told my friend, I'm a bit all over the place.
The hardest thing to deal with lately seems to be that it's affecting ME- who I am- was- whatever.
I have lost interest in things I was previously passionate about. I doubt my abilties in everything like never before. I feel insecure like I haven't for a long time.

It just feels a bit like something is wrong with me- like I'm "melting" (hehehe- love that wizard of oz line) I'm losing who I was.

And maybe I'm just being melodramatic??
maybe I just need to get over myself?? ha. No idea.

ideas anyone?
Diagnosis insane??!

maybe it's a bit of a panic because so many more keep popping up with their wonderful news ( and it is so different when it's a baby lost mumma- really it is) but it feels like others are jumping the queue-pushing in....don't they realise it should be my turn- have they forgotten so soon those tiny people I brought into the world?

I guess life just sucks.
at the moment.